Characters:

Golyshkin Stalver Udarpyatovich – professor.

Rodion – his son.

Myshevskiy Andrey Sigizmundovich – a big businessman

Olga – a nurse.

Vykhukhole Sergey Yurevich – a psychiatrist

Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna – a notary.

There is an apartment in an old apartment house built yet in the early 20^th century. The apartment has many ample rooms with high ceilings. Beside a massive hanger made of oak and a huge mirror of Venetian glass the main decoration of a big hallway is an antique floor clock with a pendulum. The doorbell keeps ringing with some short breaks. Finally, Rodion dressed in a night-suit shows up from the shade of the room and opens the door. Myshevsky comes in. The clock strikes twelve.

Myshevskiy. Good afternoon. Sorry, it looks like I woke you up. But I have an appointment.

Rodion. Is it morning already?

Myshevskiy. I would say noon if one can trust this clock.

Rodion. Oh, I wish this damned pendulum tore off! It just scares buddies… Anything to drink?

Myshevskiy. I’d rather have some tea.

Rodion. Actually, I mean harder revivers.

Myshevskiy. No, thanks. Besides, there is no reason for it.

Rodion. My grandfather – God rest his soul – used to say: there is something to drink, there is always a reason. Well, I as you like though…

Myshevskiy. So, can I see professor Golyshkin? Stalver Udarpyatovich made me an appointment at twelve. Is he in?

Rodion. He must be in his home office scribbling some book or surfing some porno sites. It depends on whether he is dragging his ass now or cooing some stuff over.

Myshevskiy. Can I see him?

Rodion. My grandfather Udarpyat Rodionovich Golyshkin would answer such a question like that – it doesn’t hurt to try.

Myshevskiy. Actually, this expression belongs to Stalin. And it is pretty backhanded.

Rodion. My grandfather used to consider Stalin a great man. In all terms.

Myshevskiy. Your grandfather was…?

Rodion. He was a State Security General. Does it make you feel uneasy?

Myshevskiy. No, but it makes something clear. My grandfather was just a doctor, but before making a decision he had to think a lot. In return, one could never argue with his diagnosis.

Rodion. It looks like your grandfather was a dull beggar.

Myshevskiy. He was quite a sociable person. Until the day he was condemned. Condemned to twenty five years without a right of correspondence. As a people’s enemy… So, will you let me in?

Rodion. If you walk alone it will take you time to find a right way. This apartment is just a maze! There are too many rooms for a philosopher. The old Diogenes would have praised my dad for it.

Myshevskiy. Then show me to his room. If it doesn’t trouble you.

Rodion. Well, let’s go then. Follow me and don’t turn anywhere. If a bat seats on your shoulder don’t think that it’s a pipe dream. After my mom’s death our house has got quite shabby.

Myshevskiy. I feel quite comfortable here as if I came back home after a long trip.

Rodion. Really, you are not a normal guy. I noticed it right away, when you refused from drinking.

Myshevskiy. It could happen after your mother’s death. Sometimes houses get shabby when a brownie leaves them.

Rodion. What’s the rubbish?

Myshevskiy. It looks like you don’t know the folklore beliefs. In old times in Russia a good-natured brownie was believed to keep hearth and home. It was the brownie who maintained coziness at home and kept the quite spirit of its hosts.

Rodion. Oh, blimey! Actually, I thought that cats keep hearth and home.

Myshevskiy. Cats get used to people, but brownies – to homes. When an old host dies the brownie starts exhausting the new one if he doesn’t like him. However, sometimes the brownie just leaves. The house is getting shabby and abandoned.

Rodion. So, you mean, that my dad and me put a slight upon your good guy brownie, huh?

Myshevskiy. Actually, this is your brownie. By the way, how long have you been living here?

Rodion. As long as I remember myself. My father inherited this apartment from my grandfather who used to say that it belonged yet to his grandfather. So, it’s a kind of family castle devolving by the Golyshkins. I am balling of it! The noble Golyshkins family!

Myshevskiy. Are you absolutely sure?

Rodion. You mean that we are a noble family?

Myshevskiy. I mean that this apartment belonged to your grand-grandfather?

Rodion. Hey, listen, you screw me down with your questions! Why are you stuck in them?

Myshevskiy. It’s just curiosity.

Rodion. It’s bullshit! Okay, we’ve come finally…

Rodion and Myshevsky enter the room which serves as a working office for Golyshkin. He is writing something on a sheet of paper sitting at a massive antique desk. Along the walls there are book shelves filled with books in golden leather covers. There are a few arm-chairs and chairs, as well as a small coffee table in the corner. All is antique. Only a telephone on a desk indicates the present times. The canvases with portraits of ancient philosophers hang on the walls. Among them there is a portrait of Stalin which is of a little bigger size.

Rodion. Hey, dad, there is a guest for you! You will get along. He is also a weird buddy as you are.

Golyshkin. Stop scoffing, Rodion! Speak normal language like a civilized person. Get dressed, please! What would other people think of you? Walking in a night-suit in daytime!

Rodion. Don’t hand a line on me! Let them think whatever they want. I am at home. I am dressed as I want. If somebody doesn’t like my home getup…

Myshevskiy. I don’t care at all.

Golyshkin. But I am waiting for one person…

Rodion. For Olenka?

Golyshkin. It’s not your business! Besides, she is not Olenka for you. For you she is Olga Alekseevna, a nurse from a community hospital – that’s it!

Rodion. As you say, dad. Okay, I get out of this game.

Golyshkin. Such an impudent boy!

Rodion. I am going to put champagne in the fridge. Professor, what do you think, Olenka… oh, sorry, a nurse from a community hospital, wouldn’t refuse from a glass of champagne? I guess she wouldn’t refuse from a glass of awesome champagne!

Golyshkin. Get out of here until I throw this book at your stupid head!

Rodion. I would never think that a book could be such a strong argument. You can be damned persuasive, professor!

Rodion leaves whistling a tune of “Marseillaise”.

Golyshkin. Such a wretched boy! What can I do with him?

Myshevskiy. You shouldn’t love him so much.

Golyshkin. Is my love so obvious?

Myshevskiy. Your intonations reveals you. In such a way a mother speaks to her beloved infant terrible.

Golyshkin. You think that I make harm to my son with my excessive love?

Myshevskiy. All that is excessive is harmful. Absolute power. Blood feud. Blind love. You know what the Bible says about it? «The one who loves his son should often punish him». I often read this book before going to bed. I have two sons.

Golyshkin. When his mother died… from a heart attack unexpectedly for everyone… I took her death very grievously, but Rodion… He quitted the University and locked himself in his room. He didn’t come out for almost a year. He had been sitting in the corner crying. He cried in such a mournful way like a scared doggy… I was afraid that I might lose him and remain alone. Do you know how frightening loneliness is?

Myshevskiy. My father had seven children. I have five. Beside two sons there are three daughters. How should I know what loneliness is like? Sometimes, I am longing to become alone. But fortunately, this desire leaves me quickly.

Golyshkin. I can only say that you are a happy man Mr. …

Myshevskiy. Myshevskiy. Andrey Myshevskiy. I called you yesterday, Stalver Udarpyatovich and asked for an appointment. You invited me at your place.

Golyshkin. Oh, sure! I remember, dear Andrey… Excuse me, what is your patronymic name?

Myshevskiy. My father’s name was Sigizmund, so I am Andrey Sigizmundovich. One can’t pronounce it in one breath. So, if it’s difficult for you…

Golyshkin. Why should it be difficult for me? My father’s name was also not a simple one – Udarpyat. It is a short form of a word, standing for “shock worker of a five-year state plan”. There was such time: mass enthusiasm, peoples’ creativity boom and all that stuff…

Myshevskiy. You are right. There was cool time!

Golyshkin. So, my father Udarpyat Rodionovich without evasion gave me a name of Stalver. It is a short form standing for “I trust Stalin». So, how should I react to all this?

Myshevskiy. Philosophically.

Golyshkin. You are right. Perhaps, only thanks to my name I received a PhD in Philosophy.

Myshevskiy. Following your theory, Stalver Udarpyatovich I became a businessman only thanks to my patronymic name Sigizmundovich?

Golyshkin. Mm-m… Anyway, I managed to break this vicious circle. To my son I gave a name in honor of my grandfather, a peasant from a Tambov province. Actually, it was him with his rich imagination and deep trust to the Soviet power who initiated all that. His name was Rodion. Such a beautiful and simple Russian name. But I see, it’s not interesting for you…

Myshevskiy. Well…

Golyshkin. Excuse me, the old man, I was carried away with my reflections! As far as I remember, your visit is related to my new book?

Myshevskiy. Yes, you are right, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I got very interested in your “Theosophical System of Nature Levels and Existence of Endless Variety of Matter Forms in the Light of Spiritualism”. Is it this book you are holding now?

Golyshkin. Hm-m… I would put you an “excellent” mark if you took my exam, Mr. Myshevsky. You pronounced a title of my book without a single stumbling. It’s not common, I tell you.

Myshevskiy. No wonder, professor. I have thought a lot about it. You claim that all material phenomena might be turned eventually into spiritual ones…

Golyshkin. Well, it’s not me who claims that. I mean I am not the first and the only…

Myshevskiy. Perhaps, it is true professor. But I read about this idea from your book.

Golyshkin. It’s nice to hear that, Andrey Sigizmundovich. By the way, which direction of spiritualism does appeal to you more – absolute or relative? Do you prefer to follow Berkley or the old Aristotle?

Myshevskiy. It’s hard for me to answer your question, professor. Actually, I have rather vague idea about spiritualism. I told you, I am a businessman. I came here not to discuss controversial issues of theosophy but with a specific goal.

Golyshkin. What goal?

Myshevskiy. To turn your abilities into money, Stalver Udarpyatovich. You are my golden mine, professor.

Golyshkin. Excuse me, but me and money are two incompatible things. Haven’t you read my book? Perhaps, you noticed that it’s too far from materialism. Yes, I admit that a human body requires its special living conditions. However, I consider the body to be a product of spiritual activity of a human being. I doubt that one can make money out of it.

Myshevskiy. What if you are mistaken, professor?

Golyshkin. Then do persuade me, Mr. Myshevsky! I would be even glad. But before taking this Sisyphean labor… would you like a cup of tea?

Myshevskiy. I would prefer black coffee with no sugar, no milk.

Golyshkin. As for me, I prefer green tea with jasmine. It smells marvelous!

Myshevskiy. I heard that jasmine has a smell of disease. And black coffee smells like revenge.

Golyshkin. Oh, I would never think of that! Okay, let it be your way, Mr. Myshevsky. Drink your coffee enjoying the idea of revenge. Meanwhile I will be diving into disease. Then you will tell me what brought you here.

The doorbell is ringing at the entrance hall. Rodion having changed his pajamas for jeans and shirt opens the door. Olga comes in with a medical case in her hands. She comes up to the mirror patting her hair. The young lady is dressed modestly wearing a cheap skirt and a blouse.

Rodion. Hello Olenka! Wow! Hotcha! You look more and more irresistible each day!

Olga. Oh, here you are, Rodion… How is Stalver Sigizmundovich doing? Don’t see me off, I know the way to his room.

Rodion. Olga Alekseevna! Maybe I am goofy but I can’t understand what is my fault.

Olga. How should I know? Ask your father about it.

Rodion. I can’t. He is talking to a very cool buddy now. They are bouncing off some cool stuff. So, Olenka, you will have to wait. There is vodka and coca-cola… Would you like a cocktail of Jim Morrison?

Olga. Listen, Rodion, it looks like you have nothing to do, is that right? Are you hanging around doing nothing or is it your work?

Rodion. What are you talking about Olga Alekseevna? Please, do explain for me, stupid guy!

Olga. Each time when I come to see Stalver Udarpyatovich I see you at home. So, my conclusion is that you are either an absolute idler living on your father’s means or a sheik.

Rodion. Actually, I am like pants without a shirt. I am living free life with no responsibility.

Olga. Don’t waste your time then. I don’t care about men of such type.

Rodion. Whatever… what machos do you care about?

Olga. Speaking your slang I like hot and pricy machos.

Rodion. Oh, such a pain…

Olga. All women are like that! Why would I be an exception? Am I a fright? Am I stupid?

Rodion. Oh no, Olenka! You are a pussy cat. Sweet pussy cat!

Olga. That’s it, my little boy!

Rodion. Oh shucks! I am not a little boy. If I have no bucks it’s not the reason to call me sucker.

Olga. Take it easy, cowboy! Only boiled eggs are harder than you and only stars are higher. However, I call a boy any man not capable to fulfill my dream.

Rodion. What’s that shit? Don’t make pickle-puss, tell me! Olya! Please tell me!

Olga. Well… That shit as you, dude, called it are the Iguazu Waterfalls.

Rodion. Holy cow! Where is it?

Olga. It’s in Brazil. Nothing in the world could be as beautiful as the Iguazu Waterfalls. Just imagine: more than three hundreds flows are simultaneously cascading from the towering height. And there is an internal rainbow created by a billion of water drops and the sun. I saw it on TV.

Rodion. I thought that all pussy cats dream of Paris.

Olga. You mean to see Paris and die at the top of the Eiffel Tower? This is really a bullshit!

Rodion. But Brazil is too far! I guess the antipode people must live there…

Olga. That’s right, smart cookie! When it is winter at our country they are enjoying summer. When we are crying they are singing. Is that enough or should I go on?

Rodion. Enough.

Olga. So, when will I see the Iguazu Waterfalls?

Rodion. Such a prick!

Olga. Now you see, why you are just a boy?

Rodion. I see, pussy cat…

Olga. Come on, don’t be sulky! You are a very good boy, Rodion. But I am not going to try this temptation any more.

Rodion. So, what if…?

Olga. What do you mean?

Rodion. I am not a dude, Olya. Okay, let’s a assume that you will have these waterfalls. Will you look at me another way then?

Olga. The Iguazu Waterfalls first and then we will see.

Rodion. Olya, please do answer. It’s very important for me!

Olga. My good little boy! I think I could really love you…

Rodion. Go on!

Olga. Rodion, please set my hands free! Otherwise I am going to complain your father and he will punish you.

Rodion. You are laughing at me, Olya!

Olga. Should I cry? Oh, no way! Such times had passed long ago. Once upon a time, at one apocalyptic day of my life I was lying on a hospital bed bowelled and devastated and I swore. Oh, that was a terrible vow! From now on I will never take trust any man in the world. I am not going to break my vow even for the sake of such good little boy as you are.

Rodion. Go on laughing at me! But believe me – once everything will change.

Olga. I will wait for such a day, Rodion.

Rodion. Is that true, Olya? Can I hope?

Olga. Even a mouse in a trap has a right to hope. The question is: for what and for how long? For example, my hope to see your father today has almost died. So, what can I do?

Rodion. Okay, I am going to pledge my dad. Maybe he will have mercy on me and finally send that guy packing.

Olga. I will very much appreciate that!

Rodion. But only if you are coming with me, Olya!

Olga. Are you afraid your dad mopping up on you?

Rodion. I am afraid to leave you alone. What if you disappear like a ghost? Maybe you are not a woman at all.

Olga. Who am I then?! You, smart ass!

Rodion. I mean you are not real. Sometimes it seems to me that you are just my pipe-dream.

Olga. Here is my hand, it’s of flesh and blood. Can you feel its warm? Hold it tightly. Maybe in such a way you will keep me beside you.

Rodion. Do you really want it?

Olga. Oh, if I only knew what I want!

Rodion holding Olga by her hand comes up to the office door. The voices are heard out of the closed room. Instead of coming in he tried to kiss Olga’s hand. She pulls it back and starts listening to the conversation.

Myshevskiy. Thank you for coffee Stalver Udarpayovich.

Golyshkin. Would you like one more cup?

Myshevskiy. If you don’t mind professor I’d rather jump to the point.

Golyshkin. Sure. So, Mr. Myshevsky if I understood your right you are attracted by the otherworld and its mysteries?

Myshevskiy. Actually, I am a pragmatic professor. Mysteries of the otherworld… Well, I will start caring about them when I move to that otherworld. Hopefully, it will happen not so soon. Meanwhile, I am more interested in the mysteries of the living world. I would say, only one of them. And like Orpheus I am ready to follow this mystery down to the kingdom of the dead.

Golyshkin. What is that mystery, Mr. Myshevsky? Is it worth it?

Myshevskiy. It is the elixir-stone.

Golyshkin. So, you are obsessed with the philosophers’ stone?! I must confess you have disappointed me.

Myshevskiy. But why are you speaking so disdainfully about my obsession, professor?

Golyshkin. After all, it is not even a stone if we consider how it looks like – it is a chemical substance. In fact, it is powder required for transmutation of metals into gold.

Myshevskiy. Do you think it really matters how my obsession looks like?

Golyshkin. Sure I do! Doesn’t it matter for you how looks a woman who you are going to conquer. Or speaking this dirty modern slang – to sleep with.

Myshevskiy. How can you compare these two things!?

Golyshkin. Well, perhaps, I am too quick with my conclusions…Perhaps, you are concerned about other properties of the elixir-stone. You know, if one takes this golden drink in small doses – ancient alchemists used to call it аurum potabile – it is able to cure any disease, rejuvenate human body and even prolong life.

Myshevskiy. Oh, really? Frankly, I didn’t think of that, professor. It is probably because a human being is an egoist by nature. How could he blamed of it? The God created him so.

Golyshkin. However, fortunately, for humanity The God created not all people as egoists. The history contains the examples when some individuals sacrificed their lives for the sake of other people.

Myshevskiy. Well, black sheep occurs in all herds. And after all, if each individual is happy, isn’t it enough for all humanity to be happy?

Golyshkin. You are quite a sophist, Mr. Myshevsky, I should tell you. It makes you somewhat similar to your desirable elixir-stone. Your ideas like poison get into people’s minds breaking noble ideals and turn romantic souls into cynics.

Myshevskiy. I’d say you are too stern to me, professor.

Golyshkin. Well, let’s stop this useless arguing, Mr. Myshevsky. We’d better return to the point of our conversation. Don’t you know that the philosophers’ stone is not more than a fable of ancient alchemists?

Myshevskiy. Yeah, I heard about it. Moreover, this fable had been actively exploited by all sorts of quacks. They made their money on those simpletons who believed in superficial power of the elixir-stone.

Golyshkin. So, you see…

Myshevskiy. What about Raimondus Lullius then? Do you know about the Spaniard who lived back in the 14^th century? The British King Edward ordered him to make sixty thousand pounds of gold out of Azoth, Tin, and Saturn. And he did fulfill the order!

Golyshkin. At that time, all money transactions were made with tin metal. There wasn’t much gold in the royal treasury.

Myshevskiy. However, according to the historical documents the royal treasury was filled with gold at the times of Edward the King. It was used for bargaining exclusively big deals with the Hans Republic.

Golyshkin. Even historical documents might contain a sporadic mistake.

Myshevskiy. Okay, let’s assume that a quantity of gold was exaggerated. But one can’t dispute the fact itself! The golden coins made by Raimondus Lullius have been kept today in the British museums.

Golyshkin. It’s a great hoax!

Myshevskiy. Stalver Udarpyatovich! Are you blaming the British King for telling lies?

Golyshkin. Not the King, but the so-called chroniclersе.

Myshevskiy. Professor, why don’t you want to believe the simplest explanation? Somehow Raimondus Lullius managed to get the recipe of creating the elixir stone. Or does the time where he lived seem too mysterious to you?

Golyshkin. I would say yes. Medieval period is sunk in the darkness. Some historical chronicles claim that fire-spitting dragons used to dwell at that times. Should I believe them too?

Myshevskiy. Do you mean dragons? Actually, I didn’t think of that… All is possible… However, some elements of Mendeleev’s table might be transmuted into gold. That was proven yet in the 20^th century.

Golyshkin. Yes, it often happens in the process of nuclear reactor working. But the concentration of gold which is emitted in the result of it is too small and too expensive. Obviously, it can’t be considered as a reasonable way.

Myshevskiy. That’s why scientists prefer not to take it seriously. Besides, this chemical reaction has some negative impact on functioning of the nuclear reactor itself. However, it’s a fact.

Golyshkin. So, what does it prove?

Myshevskiy. It proves that transmutation of any metal into gold is possible! The problem is that the recipe of the elixir-stone has been lost in centuries. And all those who knew had turned into ashes long ago.

Golyshkin. Okay, let it be so. But why did you come to see me?

Myshevskiy. The reason is your book, professor. You state that a spirit-rapping is a real opportunity to talk to the dead.

Golyshkin. Wait a minute, Mr. Myshevsky! I think I’ve got you! That’s it! You are not going to waste your life making experiments. Why to seat for years in the laboratory bending your head over retorts hoping to see a punch of gold sand on the bottom of one of them one day? No way, that’s not for you! Instead of all that you want to get into spiritual contact with one of those who used to know a recipe of the elixir-stone and get the secret of transmutation. Please, correct me, if I am wrong.

Myshevskiy. You are right professor.

Golyshkin. So, who did you chose for this purpose? The Spaniard Lullius? Or Edward the King?

Myshevskiy. That is Hermes Trismegistus.

Golyshkin. My God! You are crazier than I thought.

Myshevskiy. What does surprise you, professor? Nobody knows about the elixir-stone more than Hermes Trismegistus. It was not for nothing that he was called Hermes Trice the Great. It was this Egyptian who introduced the elixir-stone which he received in the result of his alchemic experiments.

Golyshkin. But this is a mythological personality! According to the old legends he was a son of Egyptian Gods Osiris and Isis. He is also often compared to Thoth, the ancient Egyptian wizard God. Most likely this person never existed at all.

Myshevskiy. Actually, he did and even wrote books. Actually, the world learnt about the elixir-stone exactly from his books. Unfortunately, most of the them were destroyed by the fire at the Alexandria library. Those few saved were hidden in the underground caches in the desert by Hermes Trismegistus’s adepts.

Golyshkin. Do you really believe all that?

Myshevskiy. Some translations of his books are available today. Unfortunately, they are too distorted. Almost nothing could be understood from them.

Golyshkin. Well, are you sure that during a spirit séance this mythological Egyptian would show up from the other world and open you his secret recipe?

Myshevskiy. Why not? I think many people before me tried to do this. Most of them didn’t succeed. But some were lucky.

Golyshkin. It looks like you are absolutely sure, Myshevsky, that Hermes Tricemegistus wouldn’t reject you.

Myshevskiy. Not me.

Golyshkin. Why?

Myshevskiy. Because what I need from Hermes Tricemegistus is not the recipe of the elixir-stone. I already know this recipe.

Behind the door Rodion tries to kiss Olga’s lips, but she blocks his lips with her hand.

Rodion. Why not, Olya? Don’t you like it?

Olga. Hush!

Olga puts her finger on his lips encouraging him to listen to the voices in the room.

Golyshkin. Did you get your recipe from one of those poor translations of that great Egyptian alchemist? Or did you get it from those books destroyed by fire at the Alexandrian library?

Myshevskiy. Don’t mock professor. I inherited it from my father.

Golyshkin. Well, well… Excuse me, what did your father do?

Myshevskiy. There is nothing supernatural. In his youth he was attracted by archeology. He used to go to archeological expeditions as a simple worker. During one of the expeditions they came across a half destroyed tomb in the desert. While digging my dad found a cache in the wall with an ancient manuscript in it. It was a sheet of parchment half destroyed by time and sand. Some unreadable hieroglyphs were written there. My dad was an honest person, but you should keep in mind, that he was young…

Golyshkin. So, he stole the manuscript?

Myshevskiy. I would put it another way. He held it back. Most likely, it was against his own will. As he said later, some supernatural power conquered his will. When my father returned to his consciousness he was sitting in his tent at the camp. He didn’t remember how he got there unnoticeable walking from the tomb. The parchment carefully covered with a clean shirt was in his backpack. Later, my dad felt ashamed of what he did but it was too late to get back. Even if he had returned the parchment he would have been blamed for theft anyway and expelled from the expedition. He would have probably been arrested. Stealing of the state property was punished more strictly than murder at those times.

Golyshkin. You know, in the Middle East, they used to cut a hand to a thief. In ancient Russia they used to mark a thief and tear out his nostrils. However, people keep on stealing here and there. I think supernatural power has nothing to do with it. That is human nature. Your father was afraid but had stolen anyway. Why did he need this parchment? I doubt that he understood what it was. Did he really think that somebody would buy this shabby sheet of paper?

Myshevskiy. Let it be your way, professor. Okay, let’s assume that supernatural power has nothing to do with it and my dad was a simple wrecker. However, in order to justify him I’d like to say the following: for many years my dad had been trying to read what was written on the parchment. He didn’t sell this shabby paper – as you call it – he didn’t even try.

Golyshkin. So, did he manage to read it?

Myshevskiy. It took him almost his whole life. For a few years he had been learning that dead language. During the following few decades he had been trying to decipher the words. Hermes Tricemegistus used a special cipher to put down his great secret.

Golyshkin. Are you sure it was Hermes Tricemegistus?

Myshevskiy. Absolutely. As sure as a gun. The parchment was signed by the great Egyptian. But even without it the text spoke for itself. It was a recipe of the elixir-stone.

Golyshkin. So, your dad… did he use the recipe?

Myshevskiy. Fortunately, not. By the time when the secret text was deciphered my dad was seriously ill. Soon after that he died. The only thing he did was to hand the parchment to me. He expected that I would fulfill the business of his whole life.

Golyshkin. Wait a second! Why did you say “fortunately”?

Myshevskiy. Because he didn’t feel that frustration that I did. I tried to prepare the elixir-stone.

Golyshkin. And you failed, as far as I understand.

Myshevskiy. After my experiment I received very beautiful crystals of deep-ruby color. It turned out to be Argentum Chloraurate with a high concentration of gold – forty four percent! During a fusing process the crystals got golden color. However, it wasn’t pure gold as we hoped.

Golyshkin. Perhaps, the alchemists called these crystals the elixir stone.

Myshevskiy. Only quacks and losers did so. I guess Hermes Tricemegistus wrote this recipe especially for them. In order to confuse them, the Egyptian made the recipe look quite naturally, but had changed some ingredient. Perhaps, only one ingredient, but it resulted in just forty four percent of gold in the substance. So, if we manage to open this little secret of the old alchemist we would become fantastically rich, professor!

Golyshkin. You said “we”? Are you sure?

Myshevskiy. Of course we. I can’t deal with this spirit-rapping stuff. All my attempts in it failed. You are an expert in spiritualism. So, I offer you to open a joint venture. My contribution to the authorized fund is the recipe of the elixir-stone willed to me by my dad. And you…

Golyshkin. Yes, what about me?

Myshevskiy. Sincere confession of Hermes Tricemegistus.

Golyshkin. It’s nonsense! Don’t you understand it?

Myshevskiy. Will you believe me if I show you the parchment

Myshevskiy takes something covered with soft cloth out of his briefcase. He unfolds it carefully and shows the manuscript to Golyshkin. He shows it at a distance not letting touch it.

Golyshkin. My God! So it's true!

Myshevskiy. What is the reason for me deceiving you? You can check the veracity of my words yourself.

Golyshkin. Are you going to give me..?

Myshevskiy wraps the manuscript in cloth and hides the package back in his briefcase.

Myshevskiy. Of course, it's not that easy. Only after you promise me to get the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus. So… Deal?

Golyshkin. Give me some time to think. I can't make a decision out of the blue like this. After all, I am a philosopher, not an adventurer.

Myshevskiy. I understand, professor. How much time do you need?

Golyshkin. I'll call you. In a week. Or by the end of the month.

Myshevskiy. I'll call you myself. If you don’t mind.

Golyshkin. But I don't promise anything!

Myshevsky. Negative answer is also an answer.

Golyshkin. Well, if so…

Myshevskiy. Well, it’s time for me to leave.

Golyshkin. Shall I guide you?

Myshevskiy. No, thanks. I'll find the way.

Golyshkin. It is not so easy. You may get lost in the maze of the rooms.

Myshevsky. It seems to me I've been here before. And that's why I'm fine with it.

Golyshkin. Oh, really? And when?

Myshevsky. Maybe in my previous life. It’s genetic memory.

Golyshkin. You are speaking with puzzles, Mr. Myshevsky.

Myshevskiy. There will come a time for clues, professor. I promise you. I'm leaving, but I’ll come back. See you!

Golyshkin. But remember – I didn't promise anything!

Olga moves away from the door and drags Rodion along with her.

Rodion. Where are you taking me? Tell me!

Olga. Don't make your guest think that we were listening.

Rodion. But we were not listening! Well, we heard a few words, but those are some nonsense!

Olga. Aren’t you stupid, boy?! Of course, I didn't get it all either. But I understood the main thing.

Rodion. And what is it?

Olga. The fact that our visitor is a very rich man.

Rodion. So, what?

Olga. He desperately needs Stalver Udarpyatovich. And if you offer him your help… Then you can demand something else in return.

Rodion. What else do you mean?

Olga. Oh, how stupid you are! Whatever you want! Job, money, recommendation…

Rodion. To shake the guy down for some cash? It's cool! But there is one weak point.

Olga. And what is it?

Rodion. My father. He's stubborn like a donkey's tail. And if he says “du hast nicht”, do not hesitate – it will be so.

Olga. But his guest doesn't know that, does he?

Rodion. Definitely not!

Olga. So, take this advantage! Promise him your help. After all, to promise does not mean to marry. But make sure to take a prepay from him.

Rodion. Well, you're right!

Olga. Of course, my boy!

Rodion. But what about later then? If the father jumps off the topic though?

Olga. We will see then. Live for now, my boy, and don't think about the future. Like a bird of God. And God will send you food for your next day.

Myshevskiy comes out of the office. Olga pushes Rodion towards him, stepping aside to stay unnoticed.

Rodion. Your chatting has been so long…

Myshevskiy. Really? I didn't notice.

Rodion. Were you messing up something important?

Myshevskiy. Maybe.

Rodion. Have you anchored my dad for your deal?

Myshevskiy. Philosophers do think long before making a decision. This is their weakness.

Rodion. That's for sure! Also, when you leave, he will call me and ask for advice.

Myshevskiy. Really?

Rodion. It's always like that in our family. My opinion means a lot.

Myshevskiy. This is quite interesting. And I think I can guess what you're driving at.

Rodion. I immediately realized that you are not a sucker.

Myshevskiy. As I see, you are a clever guy, Rodion.

Rodion. I wish my dad could hear that. He would like that!

Myshevskiy. And how much is your vote worth?

Rodion. My vote is in exchange for yours. It's fair, isn't it?

Myshevskiy. What are you talking about?

Rodion. I need a bank loan. But it is not issued without a reliable guarantor. If such a pricy guy like you vouches for me, the problem would be easily solved.

Myshevskiy. I'm sure of it. I am the chairman of a local bank board of directors.

Rodion. So, I hit the spot!

Myshevskiy. Here's my business card, Rodion. Come over by this afternoon. And we'll make a good deal.

Rodion. Without a preliminary call?

Myshevskiy. Security will be informed. Is four p.m. okay with you?

Rodion. Any time you want! But I warn you, the sum is big.

Myshevskiy. This’s fine. I don’t bargain in trifles.

Rodion and Myshevskiy leave. Olga follows them with her eyes, then she comes up to the office door, knocks and enters.

Golyshkin. Oh, what a pleasant surprise, Olenka!

Olga. We have been meeting with you every day, Stalver Udarpyatovich, for the past two weeks. I give you injections, measure your blood pressure. Besides, you knew about my visit yesterday. What is surprising about it? Or do you think that instead of regular procedures, I will offer you something new?

Golyshkin. But what if you will?! Hope dies the last, Olenka. Why shouldn't I, an old man, dream? As long as I'm alive, albeit not quite healthy.

Olga. Any young man can envy your health, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I don’t understand why you need these injections? They are so painful!

Golyshkin. The only pleasure for me is to see you, Olenka. And, yes, you are absolutely right. I'm still not as bad! There is still life in the old dog yet.

Olga. I am sure there is! I’m going to inform my supervising doctor that you don’t need the nurse care any more. You are just pretending, professor! And I am a stupid girl, so worried about you.

Golyshkin. Olenka! Of course, if you don't like these visits…

Olga. What are you talking about, Stalver Udarpyatovich! After all, you know…

Golyshkin. What do you mean? Go on, Olenka!

Olga. Oh, nothing, just never mind!

Golyshkin. Oh, don't argue with me, otherwise my blood pressure will rise. And it will be your fault, Olenka.

Olga. Then take off your pants! (takes out a syringe.) And don't try to convince me. I won't believe you anymore. Not a single word!

Golyshkin. Oh, really, Olenka… Oh!

Olga. I hope it doesn’t hurt you, Stalver Udarpyatovich?

Golyshkin. Oh, no, Olenka, your hands are so tender, like angel’s ones! I am feeling pleasure.

Olga. That's wonderful. Now let me measure your blood pressure.

Golyshkin. Sure! I confess, this procedure is more pleasant for me than injections.

Olga. Your pressure is also perfect, Stalver Udarpyatovich. No, definitely, you don't need me any more. If only just to talk to…

Golyshkin. That’s so nice to talk to you, Olenka! By the way, have you read my book? The one I gave you last week.

Olga. Of course, Stalver Udarpyatovich.

Golyshkin. And..?

Olga. And I understood almost nothing.

Golyshkin. What a pity!

Olga. You are too smart, professor! How can I, a stupid girl, understand this philosophy? I have too many questions. And there was no one to answer them. I was reading your book at nights. Alone, lying in a cold bed under the blanket. The room was lit only by a dim table lamp. A strong wind was howling sadly outside the dark window. It was so scary!

Golyshkin. Poor girl! So what's the problem? Ask me now and I will answer.

Olga. Okay. So, you wrote about necromancy…

Golyshkin. Oh, my God, Olenka, and you too!

Olga. Have I said something stupid? Oh, I really have! Not a single word about your book any more! I don't want to seem funny to you. After all, you, Stalver Udarpyatovich, are a professor of Philosophy, and who am I? Ordinary nurse from a local district clinic.

Golyshkin. Please, forgive me, Olenka! And don't take my remark personally. The reason is my today’s guest. You might have seen him.

Olga. You mean that mysteriously looking man? He passed by me and didn’t even notice me, as if I were invisible.

Golyshkin. It’s just impossible! No man in the world can behave like that. You are perfection, Olenka!

Olga. Therefore, he is not a man. It's a comforting statement. But what did you want to tell about him, Stalver Udarpyatovich?

Golyshkin. Nothing special. I mean that this man was torturing me with his talk about spiritual séances. So, when you suddenly started talking about necromancy… about the art of communicating with the dead people’ spirits… I couldn't help exclaiming emotionally. Once again, please forgive me, Olenka!

Olga. Do not apologize, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I understand you. But, in fact, this necromancy gets me interested very much. You write so exiting about it! Especially the chapter, where you say, that the dead can show the future to the living. You can’t imagine how much I would like…

Golyshkin. Why are you silent, Olenka? Go on! What would you like?

Olga. To know my future. Isn't that clear, professor? Or does it seem strange? Any woman would give a lot to know what awaits her in the future. And not in some distant future, but in the nearest. Will she get married and when? Will she have children and how many?…

Golyshkin. But it's so dangerous!

Olga. Dangerous? Why?

Golyshkin. Knowledge about the future is not given without loss. Communication with the spirits of the dead suggests some unpredictable consequences.

Olga. So what?

Golyshkin. Well, don't you understand, Olenka?

Olga. I don't think you understand, professor. Life is short. Especially for women. After all, they live only while they are young and beautiful. When youth passes and beauty fades the life ends for us. Instead, existence begins. Just existence – boring, tedious, which nobody needs, including themselves. But if only a woman could know her future! Oh! It would change a lot.

Golyshkin. I don't understand what exactly?

Olga. Of course you don’t, since you are a man! It would protect her from many mistakes. Those which are made easily, but it takes years to correct them. If there are no mistakes, there will be no wasted years. Isn't it worth it, professor?

Golyshkin. And yet you have not convinced me, Olenka.

Olga. Neither have you, Stalver Udarpyatovich.

Golyshkin. I can predict your future even without a séance.

Olga. And that would be false, professor. Shame on you! There is nothing easier than to mislead a naive girl who trusts you so much. But if you really want me to believe you…

Golyshkin. What then? Speak up, Olenka, what should I do for this?

Olga. Hold a spiritual seance.

Golyshkin. And whose spirit would you like to summon?

Olga. Anyone’s. The main thing: he has to be dead for at least a couple of centuries or millennia ago. But not as outrageously alive and healthy as you are, Stalver Udarpyatovich!

Golyshkin. Olenka, you don’t understand what you are asking. That's really true: Oh, poor, you wanted this!

Olga. Actually, I'm not asking you for anything, professor. You just asked me to be frank with you. And I freaked out in my sincerity. But how can I trust men? This will be another bitter lesson for me. Thanks for that professor!

Golyshkin. Olenka! Don't talk to me so harshly! I feel like my blood pressure is rising again.

Olga. Perhaps, you need another injection, professor?

Golyshkin. Oh, don't remind me of injections!

Olga. I won’t. Besides, I have no time now.

Golyshkin. Are you in a hurry, Olenka? And you are not going to have tea with me, as usual?

Olga. I have to visit a dozen of other patients. And very few of them feel as good as you do, professor. Remember, I'm the district nurse, not your personal one.

Golyshkin. But are you going to come tomorrow, Olenka?

Olga. Tomorrow? Maybe. Or perhaps, another nurse would come. There are a lot of good nurses in our clinic, professor. And I'm far from the best.

Golyshkin. But I've got so used to you, Olenka! And any other does not suit me.

Olga. In our life we often have to put up with something, Stalver Udarpyatovich. Don't you know this?!

Golyshkin. But, Olenka… Are you offended?

Olga. Not at all! Goodbye professor. And don't see me off. I’ll find the way myself. I know it quite well. Hopefully, I am not going to meet any ghosts on the way. If only your son. But he's not that scary, is he?

Olga leaves the office. Rodion meets her at the door.

Olga. Wouldn’t you like to tell me anything? I can see your happy face. Was your talk successful?

Rodion. You can't even imagine how successful it was! So, tonight my pockets will be full of cash like … I will be rich like King Solomon!

Olga. I think he was wise, not rich.

Rodion. But what about his diamond mines?! And his throne of pure gold and ivory on which he used to seat?!

Olga. Okay, you can tell me everything later, all about the diamond mines of King Solomon, and about your conversation with the mysterious guest of the professor.

Rodion. Are we going to meet today?

Olga. Of course, my goofy boy! Do you really think I would let you spend all the money on yourself?

Rodion. See you tonight then?

Olga. I told you that. Now let me go. It is no good to prevent a woman from fulfilling her professional duty.

Rodion. And what about tonight?

Olga. What about tonight?

Rodion. Will you be off duty then?

Olga. After work? Of course not. Definitely, you're really stupid. What are you so happy about? For being stupid?

Rodion. Because I will see you soon again. And you will no longer say that I am a boy.

Olga. Let’s wait and see.

Rodion. And what about your goodbye kiss?

Olga. Here's a blown kiss to you, my naughty boy. So far, be happy with it. And tonight…

Rodion. And tonight?!

Olga. Oh! It depends on what you tell me when we meet.

Olga leaves. Rodion jumps high, doing a somersault with his feet in the air, and hides in one of the rooms. Golyshkin looks out of his office warily. Seeing no one, he hides behind the door again.

The light gets down.

The doorbell rings several times in the darkness. Suddenly, light flashes out. Golyshkin opens the door and Rodion comes in.

Rodion. Did I wake you up, dad? Sorry. I couldn’t find my keys. I might have left them at home or lost in a taxi.

Golyshkin. I wasn’t sleeping. By the way, what time is it?

Rodion. It’s about six o’clock at night. Or should I say morning? How would it be correct from a philosophical point of view?

Golyshkin. Why are you coming back so late? And also drunk.

Rodion. Father, I am no longer a child. And I really want to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow. If you don’t mind.

Golyshkin. But what if I do mind?

Rodion. Okay, today then. But only after I get a good sleep. It will be sometime after lunch. Closer to sunset.

Golyshkin. You're in a wonderful mood, as I see.

Rodion. Did you like it better when I was locked up in my room and never went out?

Golyshkin. Of course not. But you could have called me, at least. And let me know that you were late.

Rodion. I’ve apologized, dad!

Golyshkin. For losing your keys. But not for making me worry.

Rodion. Couldn’t it be all at once? Father, let's finish this topic, please. Don't ruin this beautiful evening.

Golyshkin. Maybe you would tell me where you've been?

Rodion. Okay, I’ve been at a cool party and with a very pretty pussy. Hopefully, you are not interested in details? Like a really educated person.

Golyshkin. Aren't you interested that your old father was worrying about you? I might have had a heart attack!

Rodion. Daddy, as one person has recently said, you are outrageously healthy for your age. So don't make me feel sorry for you. It won't work.

Golyshkin. Do you mean Olga Alekseevna?

Rodion. And who else? Luckily, we don't have many common friends, especially women.

Golyshkin. When did you see her?

Rodion. Me? I don’t remember now… And why are you asking me about it in such a tone?

Golyshkin. I haven’t seen her for a week. I thought…

Rodion. Dad, has anyone told you that you think too much?

Golyshkin. Thinking never hurts anyone.

Rodion. Sometimes in life it is necessary not only to think, but also to act. But, by the way, do as you wish. Teach your grandmother to suck eggs.

Golyshkin. You're right, cool egg. Go to sleep!

Rodion. This is great! Why don't you just say goodnight to me, father? Just like mom always did.

Golyshkin. I also miss our mother, son …

Rodion. What did you say? I didn't hear, sorry.

Golyshkin. Nothing. Good night!

Rodion. Yeah. And the same to you!

Rodion leaves. Golyshkin goes to his office and walks nervously from corner to corner in the dimly lit room, thinking about something. The phone rings. The spotlight beam snatches out Myshevsky with a mobile phone in his hands.

Myshevsky. Good morning professor. Am I too early?

Golyshkin. Oh, that’s okay, Mr. Myshevsky! In fact, I haven't even gone to bed yet.

Myshevsky. Are you still thinking about my offer?

Golyshkin. You are right.

Myshevsky. So, have you made a decision?

Golyshkin. I’ve already told you – I am a philosopher, not an adventurer.

Myshevsky. I don’t like adventures either, as any serious businessman. But now it’s quite a different case. It has nothing to do with adventure. This time it has to do with gold. Oh, how it smells, professor! Much better that your favorite jasmine… Do you remember a legend about the falcon and the raven? It is better to live thirty years, eating fresh blood, than three hundred years, eating carrion.

Golyshkin. Maybe you are right.

Myshevsky. In that case… take a decision, professor!

Golyshkin. Give me another half an hour.

Myshevsky. What for?

Golyshkin. Only half an hour. And then I'll call you back. And I will definitely say yes or no.

Myshevsky. Good. Thirty minutes are not three hundred years.

Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight beam goes down and Myshevsky disappears. Golyshkin dials the number again. The beam snatches Olga out of the darkness.

Olga. Oh, who is there so early? Just don’t say that you’ve dialed the wrong number!

Golyshkin. This is professor Golyshkin.

Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, is that you? Did something happen to you?

Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna, sorry for my early call.

Olga. That’s okay… Anyway, I had to get up. The working day at our clinic starts at eight a.m., oh, dam it all! Go, tell me, what's happened to you?!

Golyshkin. You haven't come to see me for ages…

Olga. Oh, so that's the point!

Golyshkin. So, I thought… I just wanted to ask… Did I offend you somehow, Olga Alekseevna?

Olga. Oh, don’t worry, Stalver Udarpyatovich. I’m just having a lot of work these days. Besides, you don’t need the nurse aid any longer.

Golyshkin. And what about tonight, after work? Not as a nurse… But as a friend… If you let me put it like that.

Olga. What for? To discuss eternal problems? It’s so boring, Stalver Udarpyatovich! We have already talked about it. Your philosophy is immortal, unlike me, unfortunately.

Golyshkin. But if I offer you something more interesting?

Olga. What exactly? But please, don’t tempt me with the stars in the night sky. It's wonderful of course, but… I hope you understand me, professor!

Golyshkin. What about a spiritual session?

Olga. You said “seance”, is that right? It might be of some interest to me.

Golyshkin. So do you agree?

Olga. I think, I’d rather accept your invitation. And when will this exciting event happen?

Golyshkin. Very soon. I'll call you back, Olya.

Golyshkin hangs up. The spotlight goes down, then it flashes again, snatching Myshevsky out of the darkness.

Myshevsky. So what did you decide, professor?

Golyshkin. I agree.

Myshevsky. And when?

Golyshkin. I need to prepare something for the session. Will the day after tomorrow suit you?

Myshevsky. Sure. Do you mind if I invite two friends of mine?

Golyshkin. It would be nice. I was just thinking about where to find six people. We need to make a hexagram.

Myshevsky. Did you say hexagram?

Golyshkin. Yes. The six-pointed star of Solomon is the best geometric figure for our session. Of course, we might place people in a form of a pentagram. In that case we will need only five people for the session. But the effect may be weakened then. Well, I don’t think you need all these details… The result is important, as far as I understand.

Myshevsky. You are right professor. Everything else is absolutely not important.

The light goes down and then it flashes again. The doorbell rings. Golyshkin opens the door. Myshevsky comes in, followed by Vykhuholev and Ogranovich.

Myshevsky. Good evening, professor. Let me introduce you to my companions. Ogranovich Elena Pavlovna, a notary and an old friend of mine.

Ogranovich. Or it’s better to say an old warhorse.

Myshevsky. I should say, that Elena Pavlovna has a specific sense of humor. You have to get used to it. And it’s Vykhukholev Sergey Yurievich, a psychiatrist, or in other words “shrink”, as your son Rodion prefers to say.

Ogranovich. Yes, I have always said and I keep saying that today's youth is much smarter and wittier than us. We grew up in the era when everything was impossible. And they grew up when everything is possible. So, that made them…

Vykhuholev. More impudent, unscrupulous and irresponsible than we us. Elena Pavlovna, you are blinded by your passion for handsome young guys.

Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna! Sergey Yurievich! It’s not the right time to argue! I beg you! Can you imagine that, professor? It’s always like that, when they get together…

Golyshkin. The topic that your friends have touched is urgent to me. I can talk about it for hours. But you're right, now is not the right time. Elena Pavlovna, let me help you!

Ogranovich. Don’t worry, professor! Being a woman, doesn’t mean to annoy men with all that stuff. So, don’t practice curtsies with me. Leave them for young chicks. But I am an old warhorse, as you have already heard.

Golyshkin. Hmm, Excuse me… Please, come in!

Everyone comes in the office. Golyshkin takes a seat at the desk. Ogranovich sits in a chair opposite. Vykhuholev sits down at a coffee table, takes out a box of chess from his pocket, arranges the pieces and starts playing by himself. Myshevsky walks around the room.

Ogranovich. I’d rather have some vodka now. It’s so cold, I am chilling! What about it, professor?

Golyshkin. One shouldn’t eat much and drink alcohol before a spiritual seance. But I can offer you a cup of coffee or tea. And we'll have dinner afterwards.

Vykhuholev. This chill is because of nerves, Elena Pavlovna. Vodka won't keep you warm.

Ogranovich. Oh, what a doctor you are! When I go crazy, then you’ll give me your advice, shrink.

Vykhuholev. I am looking forward to that time.

Myshevsky. Professor, you told about six people. There are four of us here. Is someone else coming?

Golyshkin. My son, Rodion. You already know him. And there is also one more lady.

Myshevsky. Oh, really? And who is she? Can she be trusted?

Golyshkin. Sure! Trust me.

Myshevsky. But I would like to know it for sure. I cannot reveal the recipe of the philosopher's stone to a stranger. I hope you understand me…

Golyshkin. Oh, your recipe! Olga Alekseevna is an extremely necessary person for our session. I will be a medium. My task is to establish contact, ask certain questions. But someone has to write down the answers. This will happen by moving the saucer around the alphabetical circle. Of course, if only the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus agrees to such a way of communication. But he also might choose to talk directly to a medium who would fell into trance, or he might prefer visible materialization, for instance.

Ogranovich. Oh, please, not this thing! If I see that your … – what‘s his name? – with my own eyes… Hermes! Oh, what a name! I will immediately die of fear.

Golyshkin. Don’t worry. Such thing happens very rarely during sessions.

Ogranovich. In my case it will definitely happen. You'll see it.

Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna, shame on you! Follow Sergei Yurievich’s example – he is calm and confident, like a granite rock.

Ogranovich. Sergei Yurievich is accustomed to dealing with all sorts of psychos and maniacs. An individual of a split personality is a common case for him. Just take a look at him! What’s the difference between him and other psychos? He doesn't even need a partner to play chess with. Oh, no, my mind is not ready to accept this! Sorry, for feeling myself a woman sometimes!

Vykhuholev. Why have you come then? I don't understand such people…

Myshevsky. Friends, friends, don’t argue, please! You are here because I wanted this. I can trust only you.

Ogranovich. Maybe you can do it without me? And when you need me…

Myshevsky. Unfortunately, it won't work. Our respectful professor states there should be six people for a séance to make a hexagram. Is that right, Stalver Udarpyatovich?

Golyshkin. Actually, there might be any number of people. But the hexagram is the best way to communicate with ghosts. Seeing the six-pointed star, spirits usually take on human image and become submissive.

Ogranovich. Hey, psychiatrist, here's exactly what you need! A hexagram tattoo on your forehead. Your patients will be like putty in your hands.

Vykhuholev. And not only them.

Golyshkin. Even in daily life, a hexagram can bring good luck. Just take it in your hand. No wonder this geometric figure is called the star of King Solomon. According to the legend, this king was very lucky and happy. The first images of the hexagram appeared around the fourth millennium BC. It has been found in ancient Egypt, the Middle East, India and Europe. The hexagram was depicted on Christian churches, Muslim mosques and Jewish synagogues…

The doorbell rings.

Myshevsky. I'm sorry, professor, for interrupting. But it seems that someone else wants to join our company. May I open the door.

Golyshkin. Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Myshevsky! You are my guest. This is my house, and I have to take a duty of the owner.

Myshevsky. Your home, you say? Okay, let it be your way.

Golyshkin leaves the office, comes up to the door and opens it. Olga comes in. She is dressed up luxuriously.

Olga. Good evening, Stalver Udarpyatovich!

Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna, Olya! I am so glad to see you! It seems like a whole eternity has passed…

Olga. Just a few days. I did not even notice how they flew by.

Golyshkin. But you have changed somehow!

Olga. Is this good or bad?

Golyshkin. It's definitely good for you. As for me… I don't know yet. I need time to comprehend this metamorphosis.

Olga. Well, why don’t you just tell me, that you admire me? Why do you need this deep search in your feelings? Does it really make you happy?

Golyshkin. I suppose, that’s my cross to bear.

Olga. But definitely not mine. So, please, spare me from your mournful mediation. You’d better tell me what is going to be here tonight? You said on the phone that I am assigned the leading role in the session, is that right?

Golyshkin. I'll tell you everything, but a little bit later. Now let me invite you to my office and introduce you to the other participants of the session. Everyone has already gathered. Except Rodion.

Olga. Oh! Are there other women among them?

Golyshkin. Only one. But, frankly, she looks so little like a woman…

Olga. I like it. So, no one will be offended that I’ve got the leading role. I know perfectly well what this female envy is! Oh, Stalver Udarpyatovich, how much I have suffered from it!

Golyshkin. That’s common fate of a beautiful woman.

Olga. You're getting better, professor! This way I like you more. Keep going, keep going! And who knows what reward might wait for you.

Golyshkin. You inspire me Olga! May I kiss your hand?

Olga. Oh, no, professor! Stop it! By the way, I need… how do you say that politely? I need to the powder room! You don't have to follow me. I know where it is located in your apartment, as well as where your office is.

Golyshkin. Sure! Of course! But remember, we are waiting for you!

Olga. I'm back as soon as possible.

Olga opens one of the doors. Golyshkin goes back to his office.

Ogranovich. I don’t know about synagogue, but I personally saw a hexagram on the facade of Santa Croce Basilica in Florence. It was during my honeymoon. A beautiful old building, I tell you! It was built either in the thirteenth or fifteenth century.

Vykhuholev. Did you also sell it to someone?

Ogranovich. Oh, I wish I would! It is a cherished dream of any notary to deal with such a transaction It's the same as to fix the Big Ben clock mechanism for a watchmaker.

Vykhuholev. Or the same as to rob Fort Knox for a thief.

Ogranovich. Santa Croce Basilica! It is a Franciscan Gothic church in the form of the Egyptian T-cross. It’s funny!

Vykhuholev. What's funny about the church, I don't understand?

Ogranovich. It's funny, that I still remember all that. My first husband’s face has almost erased from my memory. And even more it has erased how we had spent our honeymoon in Florence. But I have not forgotten that Galileo Galilei, Michelangelo Buonarroti, Machiavelli and Rossini had been buried in this basilica. I wonder, why is that so?

Vykhuholev. That’s quite clear. It’s ordinary megalomania. It’s a person’s desire to have even an indirect relation to the great people. That’s a common case in psychiatry.

Ogranovich. Oh, I see, everything is always clear to you, shrink! It’s so boring with you.

Vykhuholev. The only thing isn’t clear yet. Why is this particular geometric figure so relevant? What do these two triangles placed on each other mean?

Ogranovich. How should I know? I'm a notary, not an alchemist.

Myshevsky. According to one theory, the hexagram defines the human social structure. The upward pointing triangle stands for the power distribution in the society. The upper part is the elite, the lower part is the crowd.

Vykhuholev. What about the triangle pointing down?

Myshevsky. It reflects the distribution of knowledge in society. The elite owns holistic volume of knowledge, and the crowd has scattered, fragmented one.

Ogranovich. It’s some kind of genocide! The worse might be distribution of knowledge according to the racial or gender aspects.

Vykhuholev. Anyway, you don’t have to worry about, Elena Pavlovna? I’ve always thought that notaries often dance on razor blades, so their sense of fear is atrophied.

Ogranovich. Each of us has something to fear, Mr. Vykhuholev. Including even you, psychiatrists, fearless explorers of human nature dark sides.

Myshevsky. By the way, according to some sources, the hexagram also means combination of male and female principles. The triangle pointing upward is the masculine principle. A triangle pointing down…

Golyshkin enters the office.

Myshevsky. I suggest to ask the professor, why he chose the hexagram. Please, shed some light, Stalver Udarpyatovich, otherwise we are wandering in the dark.

Golyshkin. With pleasure! Everything is quite simple. In alchemy, the hexagram symbolizes the philosopher's stone. It is made up of two opposite triangles, meaning the unity of opposites.

Rodion comes in.

Rodion. And also, the hexagram of Solomon protects you against Lilith. This is such a terrible Jewish demon that kidnaps children at night. Total rubbish! I remember once when I was a child my father told me this bullshit for the night. After that I used to pee in the bed for a long time because of fear. My dad always left my bedroom, thinking that I’d fallen asleep, and turned off the light. In his philosophical point of view, he was bringing up courage in me. And I was left alone with the monster. It stared at me with the fiery eyes from a dark corner…

Golyshkin. Actually, well-behaved children say “hello” when they enter a room full of adult guests.

Rodion. My father still can not get used to a fact, that I’ve grown up. But he is definitely right about one thing. At any age, you have to be polite. I apologize! Greetings to all who have gathered here today to celebrate the Bastille Day. It’s the same day as the one of the faceted glass or the day of the beeps, or…

Olga comes in.

Olga. Haven’t you forgotten about me?

Rodion. Hello Olya!

Golyshkin. Why do you call her Olya, you, boy?!

Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich, will you introduce me to your guests? I feel really embarrassed.

Golyshkin. I am sorry, Olga Alekseevna, you are absolutely right. No one is interested in our family disputes. Let me introduce you my guests. Mr. Myshevsky. He is a mastermind of our today’s event.

Myshevsky. Mr. Myshevsky is too official for our tight circle of friends. You may call me Andrey Sigizmundovich. Or it’s better just Аndrey. My patronymic name is too complex to pronounce. Thanks to my father.

Olga. I am just Olya then.

Golyshkin. They are Mr. Myshevsky’s friends…

Vykhuholev. Sergey.

Olga. Nice to meet you – Olya!

Golyshkin. This is Elena Pavlovna.

Ogranovich. Yes, and please, keep in mind, that I am not Lena! I dislike this trend of calling everyone by their short names with no regard to age and rank. Lena, Lena! It sounds like one is calling a dog. I differ from a yard dog by that fact that I do know who my father was.

Olga. Olga Alekseevna.

Rodion. And you can call me Rodion Stalverovich. I am the son of Professor Golyshkin. Please, love and favor.

Myshevsky. Dear Rodion Stalverovich, I think we’d prefer to love Olga Alekseevna, but as for you, we are ready just to favor you.

Rodion. Sure! I love her myself.

Golyshkin. Rodion! Don’t forget that you are in a decent society!

Rodion. So, why is it indecent for a man to talk about his love for a woman?

Vykhuholev. Probably, it started since it has become decent in our society to talk about his love to a man. It's such a psychological paradox.

Rodion. I would call it a stupid perversion.

Vykhuholev. The voice of a child is the voice of God.

Rodion. Do you call me a child?!

Vykhuholev. Would you like to play a game of chess with me, Rodion Stalverovich?

Rodion. Not at all.

Ogranovich. And you are right, since you will lose anyway.

Rodion. I wonder, why?!

Ogranovich. I will reveal you a secret, but just don’t breath a word!

Rodion. I am silent as a fish!

Ogranovich. This self-proclaimed chess grandmaster has a real ability to get into other people's brain. And he thoroughly digs into it. Once I played with him. I felt like I’d had a lobotomy – a very painful brain surgery. Since then I wouldn’t recommended anyone to play with him.

Vykhuholev. I heard everything! It’s a blatant lie! This is just a pathetic revenge of a rejected woman. Elena Pavlovna expected that, if she lost the game, she would have immediately ended up in my bed. But her dreams didn’t come true. I was not so generous or drunk, I don’t remember now. Then she got spiteful and started to spread some dirty rumors about me. She claimed that I am not interested in women at all.

Ogranovich. But this is the holy truth! I can confirm that even with the oath in court.

Myshevsky. This can go on for a long time if we don't interfere. Dear professor!

Golyshkin. Yes, Andrey Sigizmundovich?

Myshevsky. So, when shall we start our session? It seems to me that everyone is ready now. There are exactly six of us, just like you planned.

Golyshkin. Now let's start then. But first, I should ask everyone to put off something.

Olga. I hope not a dress? I heard that at some satanic sessions everyone strips naked and then they have wild parties. But I was invited to a spiritual seance, and that's quite different, isn't it?

Golyshkin. No, not clothes, of course, Olga Alekseevna. Don't worry. I mean metal things, like rings, bracelets, watches.

Olga. And my diamond ring?!

Golyshkin. It also needs to be removed. These are the rules for communicating with spirits. Rodion, would you please open the window. Then light up the candles and turn off the electric light.

Olga. May I light up the candles?!

Golyshkin. I’d like to ask everyone to take a seat at this table.

Myshevsky. Does it matter who sits next to whom?

Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna has to sit on my right side, since she will write down messages of Hermes Trismegistus’s. Of course, if he would kindly wish to tell us something, For other members the location at the table does not matter. The main thing is not to move the chairs. They are arranged in the form of a six-pointed star, a hexagram, as I said.

Olga. May I ask your spirit when it appears…

Golyshkin. Sorry, Olga Alekseevna, but I can’t let you this. Only one person, the medium, can speak to the spirit. And that's me. Everyone else just puts their hands on a saucer – you see, here it is, in the middle of the table, in the center of the alphabet circle. Everyone must be silent, no matter what happens during the session.

Olga. Even if…

Golyshkin. Not a single sound, no matter what you might see or hear! Otherwise, the spirit will leave without answering any question. Or even worse, will get angry.

Olga. So what?

Golyshkin. Then he will take cruel revenge.

Ogranovich. I beg you, professor! My nerves are tensed like strings now!

Golyshkin. I thought Mr. Myshevsky has warned his friends about all the possible consequences of a seance.

Myshevsky. That’s right, professor. But anyway, I think we’d better not to delay the prelude. The expectation of death is worse than the death itself, this is a well-known truth.

Ogranovich. What death are you talking about?

Myshevsky. About spiritual one, and nothing more.

Vykhuholev. Therefore, you have nothing to fear of, Elena Pavlovna. From this point of view, you don’t live any longer in this world.

Ogranovich. Oh, stop your jokes, please!

Golyshkin. Dear guests! Silence please! I am starting the session. Mr. Myshevsky, get ready, please. When I show you a sign, you should give me the recipe of the philosopher's stone.

Myshevsky. Why is that?

Golyshkin. I will have to read it to the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus. Otherwise, how will he be able to answer where there is an error in it or not? After all, he needs to know what recipe we are asking about. But the spirit should hear only me.

Myshevsky. Yes, you're right, professor.

Golyshkin. Do you have the recipe with you? As I said, it needs to be handwritten with a pencil on a sheet of paper.

Myshevsky. I did everything as you asked.

Golyshkin. Then let's start!

Everyone keeps silent. Golyshkin takes the saucer, heats it from the inside over the candle, and places it on edge in the middle of the table, in the center of the alphabetical circle.

Golyshkin. Spirit of Hermes Trismegistus, I appeal to you! Please, come to us! Spirit of Hermes Thrice Greatest, I appeal to you! Spirit of Hermes Trismegistus! Appear to us!

With each new phrase, the rustles and creaks in the room get louder. The wind is howling. Somewhere in the apartment, a door banged.

Olga. Look, the saucer is alive!

Golyshkin. Keep silence!

Ogranovich. I am going to faint now! Somebody has touched me with the icy hand. Hey, shrink, is that your stupid joke again?

Golyshkin. Be quiet, otherwise you will scare him off! I am in the contact with the spirit of Hermes Trismegistus – I feel that. Hermes Thrice Greatest, I appeal to you! Answer just one of my question: where is the mistake in your recipe of the philosopher's stone?

Olga. The saucers is moving along the alphabet!

Golyshkin. Write down each letter!

Olga. I am writing.

Golyshkin. What is there?

Olga. W… what … what reci… What recipe! He asks “what recipe”!

Golyshkin makes a sign and Myshevsky takes a paper out of his pocket and gives it to him.

Golyshkin. Listen and answer I conjure you! (reading). "In order to make the elixir of the wise, called the philosopher's stone, take some philosophical mercury and heat it until it turns into a green lion. After that, heat it more, until turns into a red lion. Heat this red lion on a sand bath with acidic grape alcohol, evaporate the result and the mercury will turn into gum-like substance that can be cut with a knife. Put it in a clayed retort and slowly distill it. Separately collect the liquids of various compositions that will appear. The Cimmerian shadows will cover the retort with their dark veil, and you will find a true dragon inside it, for he devours his own tail. Take this black dragon, rub it on a stone, and touch it with a hot coal. It will catch fire, immediately taking a splendid lemon color, it will turn a green lion again. Make it devour his own tail and distill the result again. Finally, carefully purify it. And you will see some burning water and human blood. Let it stand still for the day and night. The thing that you will see will be the philosopher's stone.

The howls of the wind get louder, and by the end Golyshkin has to almost scream to be heard. The flame of the candles fluctuates more and more. Finally he finishes reading. Nothing happens for a while, then the saucer starts to move.

Olga. He is answering!.. I am writing down!

Golyshkin. Let me read! No, I can't make out your handwriting. Read it yourself!

Olga. "Replace grape spirit with camphor oil."

Golyshkin. We’ve done it! We’ve got it! Can you hear, Myshevsky? And I didn't really believe it myself!

Myshevsky. I told you that, professor! So, everything was not in vain! We will get rich!

Golyshkin. Be quiet! The session is not over yet! I must say goodbye to the spirit… Thank you, Hermes Trismegistus! What do you want in return for your confession?

Olga. The saucer is moving again!

Golyshkin. Write!

Olga. “I want the death of the one who dared to turn to me, revealing my secret. His father was killed by an iron man falling down from the top. He will die before the earth is covered with a white shroud”…

Golyshkin screams out and jumps up, dropping his chair. Then, clutching his heart with his hand, he falls down on the floor. A strong gust of wind blows out the candle flame. Everything is plunged into darkness.

Vykhuholev and Ogranovich sit in the room. The man plays chess. In front of the woman is a bottle of vodka and a glass, which she fills and drinks from time to time.

Ogranovich. What time is it, can anyone tell me?

Vykhuholev. It’s about four or five o’clock.

Ogranovich. Can you be more precise?

Vykhuholev. I can't really. My watch and mobile phone were taken away by the professor before the session. As well as are your accessories. And only he can tell where they are now. But to do this he needs to come to his senses. So what are we waiting for!

Ogranovich. It’s like a nuthouse! Can't you call an ambulance at least?

Vykhuholev. What for?

Ogranovich. They will take professor to the hospital and we would go home. By the way, meanwhile we are waiting, whether he would die or not, I might take a hot bath with a glass of good cognac. (Drinking) Oh! What a nasty thing!

Vykhuholev. What nonsense are you talking about, Elena Pavlovna?

Ogranovich. What?! Well, a woman is not allowed even to dream!

Vykhuholev. A woman is surely allowed.

Ogranovich. Are there your dirty hints again?

Vykhuholev. There are not the hints, Elena Pavlovna. You are sipping vodka like a real man, even without a snack.

Ogranovich. But why should I mix the taste?

Vykhuholev. And how can one drink at work? I can’t understand that! Andrey Sigizmundovich wouldn’t like that.

Ogranovich. I don’t like this story either, but I keep silence. So, he will cope with that too.

Vykhuholev. So, what do you dislike, buddy?

Ogranovich. So much effort – and all down the drain! And if the professor goes nuts, what then?

Vykhuholev. How should I know?

Ogranovich. Don't tell me lies, you know Myshevsky as well, as I do. He will do anything to get what he wants. After all, they offered this freak to sell his apartment. But he refused from such big money!

Vykhuholev. You should definitely drink less, Elena Pavlovna. That’s what I know for sure.

Ogranovich. But keep in mind, pleasе, that my role in this adventure is to register the deal, and nothing more. If there is a dead body, there is no deal. I have nothing to do with wet work.

Vykhuholev. Oh, God! What a jargon, Elena Pavlovna! It doesn’t suit an intelligent woman.

Ogranovich. I’ve picked it up from my third husband. Or fourth?! Anyway, it doesn't matter. He was an investigator for the prosecutor's office. So, that’s it.

Vykhuholev. I wonder, Elena Pavlovna, how many husbands have you had in total? There were so many of them…

Ogranovich. The most important is that I do remember. So, don’t worry.

Vykhuholev. I am just wondering: you don't look like a young chick, who would change her husbands like purses, as soon as they get out of fashion. So, did your husbands leave you?

Ogranovich. Take it easy, shrink. I didn’t make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

Vykhuholev. Anyway, would you please satisfy my curiosity for the sake of our old friendship?

Ogranovich. Okay, I’ll tell you as my old friend. You know, psychiatrist, every husband has his own limit. Position, salary, connections – everyone has a different one. But as soon as a man reaches his limit, he is no longer interesting to a woman, as a husband. She starts looking for another one whose limit is wider. And it’s so on… As long as she is still interesting to anyone, as a woman.

Vykhuholev. And besides, you are also a cynic, Elena Pavlovna.

Ogranovich. We, women, have this cynicism by nature. At the genetic level. Since we have to think about procreation. And any random male is not suitable for this purpose. You always want the best variant for your children.

Vykhuholev. And may I ask you, how many children do you have, Elena Pavlovna?

Ogranovich. So what? Not every woman is able to. But the instinct itself has remained! And what about you? Why are you still single, psychiatrist?

Vykhuholev. I haven’t met the perfect life partner yet.

Ogranovich. Oh, you are a romantic guy! Then find a way, how we can get out of this pile of shit we've got in without getting dirty up to the ears.

Vykhuholev. The question is not by my salary. Let Myshevsky think about it.

Ogranovich. No way! He always suggests such things that you will never wash them off in life … Oh, by the way, he’s right there!

Myshevsky enters.

Vykhuholev. So, what ‘s news, Andrey Sigizmundovich?

Myshevsky. The professor came to his senses. But he fell asleep immediately after the injection. Now he is sleeping peacefully like a baby. A nurse is on duty next to him. And his son is hanging around nearby, like a moth over a lamp. So we have time to think.

Ogranovich. About what?!

Myshevsky. About this situation. Don’t you think, my dear, that I’ve invited you here to drink vodka for free?

Ogranovich. I’ve just drunk a couple of short glasses! (drinking). Uff! Professor's vodka is such a rubbish.

Myshevsky. Quiet! Someone is coming.

Rodion enters.

Ogranovich. Would you like some vodka, Rodik? It's scary to look at you.

Vykhuholev. That’s because Rodion Stalverovich resembles the rider of the apocalypse on a white horse. But here, the horse is missing to complete the whole picture.

Rodion. Don’t you have no one else to hang out on?

Ogranovich. What an angry raisin! Come here, I'm going to eat you!

Myshevsky. Don't worry so much, Rodion! Olga Alekseevna assures that there is no danger to his life. She is a good nurse. We can trust her.

Rodion. But she also says that the father has just experienced a strong emotional shock and its consequences are unpredictable.

Myshevsky. Indeed, Stalver Udarpyatovich needs a good rest at the good sanatorium. He needs smart doctors, caring medical staff, and the best medicines.

Rodion. All these little things require money. And where can I get them?

Myshevsky. Wait a second, Rodion! You ‘ve just recently received a big loan from my bank. You haven’t spent it all, have you?

Rodion. Actually, I have. I’ve spent almost everything. I don't know for sure… What if I ask for some more?

Myshevsky. They will not give you until you pay off the previous debt.

Rodion. And you?

Myshevsky. What about me?

Rodion. My father has made you outrageously rich. Can't you pay for his treatment?

Myshevsky. Did you say outrageously rich? Well, let’s see… this still needs to be tested.

Rodion. And how long will this testing take?

Myshevsky. I think, only Hermes Trismegistus knows that.

Rodion. What a bullshit!

Myshevsky. Just think, Rodion. Even if the correction in the recipe is right, you need to get the philosopher's stone first. After that you should try to turn metal into gold. Besides, it will take time to start a production process. I think it will take a few years… As I see, my words have upset you, haven’t they?

Rodion. Upset? I'm totally killed! It is too long.

Myshevsky. Too long for what, may I ask you?

Rodion. For me… I mean for my father.

Myshevsky. And I think you’ve just said exactly what you wanted to. Is that right, Sergey Yurievich?

Vykhuholev. Sure! You don’t need to study Freud to say that.

Ogranovich. Even I understood it right. After three short glasses of vodka.

Rodion. You misunderstood me, I told you! What a nasty manner to focus on certain words!

Myshevsky. Well, let it be your way, Rodion. But tell me the truth: have you really believed all this nonsense?

Rodion. I don't quite understand you.

Myshevsky. Well, I quite understand your father: he is an elderly person, crazy with philosophy and loneliness. But you are a young and reasonable man. Alchemy, transmutation, spirits – how can you believe all these fairy tales for the feeble-minded?

Rodion. But you do believe that!

Myshevsky. Well, I said that, but didn’t really mean that! Perhaps, I had my own reasons.

Rodion. First, you hooked my father on this topic, and now you claim that all this is rubbish? No, I'm not a sucker, as you may think! Medieval alchemists were able to turn metal into gold.

Myshevsky. Most of them were charlatans, if not to say worse. I can reveal you one of their tricks how they used to deceive people. They just took a piece of copper, then they melted it in front of the crowd, uttering mysterious spells and waving a magic wand. When the metal got solid, it appeared to look the color of gold. But it only appeared! It was all about the magic wand.

Rodion. I don’t believe you!

Myshevsky. You’d better do! You see, that magic stick made of wood was empty inside. It used to be stuffed with pieces of tin and covered with wax. And when the false alchemist used to touch the molten metal with that stick, the wax was also melting. As a result, some tin fell into boiling copper. And probably, you know, Rodion, that the alloy of copper and tin has a specific color and luster that could be easily taken for gold. If a person doesn’t have knowledge of chemistry, it is easy for him to make a mistake. The magic stick itself used to be burnt out, leaving no evidence. Everything in this process seemed to be true, having nothing to do with fraud. So, the audience was happy, so as the alchemists.

Rodion. Holy cow! Is that really true?

Myshevsky. Well, time will tell, of course… But why wait? After all, you need money now, as far as I understand. And you can get them immediately. Is it interesting for you?

Rodion. Of course, Andrey Sigizmundovich. What should I do for this? To rob your bank?

Myshevsky. Oh, you haven’t lost your sense of humor, Rodion. That’s great! No, you won’t have to rob a bank. It will be enough just to talk to your father.

Rodion. About what?

Myshevsky. What can a beloved son talk about to his adored father? Inheritance, of course!

Rodion. About inheritance? But my father is an ordinary Soviet man! Everything he has earned during his life is on these bookshelves.

Myshevsky. You are mistaken, Rodion. Your father has something for which you can get good money.

Rodion. And what is it?

Myshevsky. This apartment.

Rodion. Oh, forget it!

Myshevsky. Why?

Rodion. Not long ago, my father has been already contacted about this topic. They offered him good money for the apartment. But he refused. And he even threatened anyone who would ever say a word about it. So, that’s it.

Myshevsky. I know about that.

Rodion. Then why are you talking about it?

Myshevsky. Times change, circumstances also change…

Rodion. It reminds me of a phrase something like “you cannot enter the same river twice” and other philosophical bullshit. Anyway, you should know my father better. If he has made a decision, he really means that. After all, he is a true philosopher, he can be happy with little.

Myshevsky. If so, go on… keep on living expecting his death. But I can't promise that my offer will be in effect then. This apartment interests me purely as a relic. But there are other architectural relics in this city. And their owners are more open-minded.

Rodion. But why am I to blame?

Myshevsky. Only because you don’t want to look for the problem solutions. You are like an ostrich, that just hides its head in the sand and doesn't think about anything.

Rodion. I do want!

Myshevsky. I guess so… The question is what do you want? Money? I’ve already said that you won't get them from me just like that. And, by the way, a term of the bank loan return is coming one of these days. Are you ready for this?

Rodion. But I was hoping…

Myshevsky. Hoping that I will forgive your debt? Or will pay it myself?

Rodion. Why not? After all, I’ve persuaded my father …

Myshevsky. Don't tell me lies, boy! I know for sure, you didn't even talk to your father about the seance. You were not up to it. You were in a hurry to spend my money. So, you’ve deceived me, saying that your father discusses everything with you before making a decision. In fact, your father thinks you are too young and foolish to listen to your opinion.

Rodion. Rubbish!

Myshevsky. Are you offended? And you want me to apologize to you?

Rodion. Actually, yes.

Myshevsky. There is nothing easier. Give me my money back. And I will apologize. I, Myshevsky will apologize to you, Rodion Golyshkin. Because I really respect people who pay their bills.

Rodion. Could it be some other way?

Myshevsky. How?

Rodion. You don't apologize. And I don't pay. Well, it's not like I don't pay at all, of course. But you give me some period of time.

Myshevsky. And for how long?

Rodion. Well… Let’s see…

Ogranovich. So, these are the words of a truly loving son! He cannot admit that all his hopes for the future are connected with his father’s death.

Myshevsky. Be silent, when I speak, please!.. So I am waiting, Rodion.

Rodion. I don’t know! Dam it! I pledge you!

Myshevsky. That’s something different, my boy. Anyone who asks me for mercy can hope for my forgiveness. Whoever resists me will be destroyed. Remember it!

Rodion. I'll remember! I promise! But what should I do now? Give me some advice!

Myshevsky. It’s very simple. Can you see these two lovely people?

Rodion. These?! They don't seem nice to me.

Myshevsky. Who do they seem to you?

Rodion. They are more like rats. Fed up and arrogant.

Myshevsky. Maybe you are right. But these are my rats. And I’ve fed them. So they will do whatever I tell them to.

Rodion. There is no doubt in it.

Myshevsky. Now listen to me carefully, because I’m not going to say it twice. Now you will go to your father and require from him to issue a power of attorney for the right to sell your apartment. The power of attorney will be issued for you. We do have a notary here. There is that rat with a glass in her hands. So the deal will be settled in half an hour.

Rodion. And if the father jumps off the topic?

Myshevsky. Then you will threaten him.

Rodion. Me? Threaten my father?! How? With a metal baton?

Myshevsky. Say, that you will claim him crazy. There is also a psychiatrist here. That rat over there in the corner. Within the same half an hour, he will make the necessary diagnosis and call the orderlies. The father will be taken to a psychiatric clinic and declared incompetent. And then you will come into inheritance rights.

Rodion. And then what?

Myshevsky. You will sell me the apartment right away.

Rodion. Can I have some time to think over?

Myshevsky. But not too long. Otherwise my rats will get hungry. Each minute they are getting angrier and more merciless, so as I am.

Rodion. Ok, I agree.

Myshevsky. I didn't have doubts in it. Yet at our first meeting, you seemed to me a sensible person, Rodion. That's why I bet on you.

Rodion. So, can I go now?

Myshevsky. Of course. And please, call Olga Alekseevna to me. She doesn't need to witness your conversation with the father.

Rodion. Yes, I understand.

Myshevsky. I doubt it. But it doesn't matter.

Rodion leaves.

Ogranovich. What matters then?

Myshevsky. Did you ask me something?

Ogranovich. You may not answer, if you don’t want.

Myshevsky. Why not? I guess, you need to know this. Just in case if you decide to betray me one day.

Ogranovich. What a nonsense!

Myshevsky. Be silent when I’m speaking! It’s the second time you have broken this golden rule today.

Vykhuholev. Please, forgive her, Andrey Sigizmundovich. The lady is just a little drunk. Is that right, Elena Pavlovna?

Ogranovich. Holy truth! The professor's vodka is a real rubbish. Uff!

Myshevsky. Okay, I forgive you. But the third time will be the last one… So, dear Elena Pavlovna, the important thing is that I never bet on one horse.

Ogranovich. When you mean the professor's son, you are talking about a horse, but when you mean us, you are calling us rats… Is there justice in this world, I ask you?

Myshevsky. And how would you like to be called, Elena Pavlovna?

Ogranovich. If you use the same horse terminology, then you may call me Bucephalus – a faithful warhorse of the great Alexander the Great.

Vykhuholev. So, I was right. Here we have a clear megalomania.

Ogranovich. Every third person in the world suffers from schizophrenia. And psychiatrists are not the exception.

Vykhuholev. Suffers? Why suffer? I, personally, enjoy my schizophrenia. And what about you?

Ogranovich. As for me, I enjoy only vodka. Wouldn't you like to have a glass?

Vykhuholev. No, let me limit to schizophrenia by now. Andrey Sigizmundovich, and what about you?

Myshevsky. What about me?

Vykhuholev. What do you enjoy?

Myshevsky. Why are you asking me about it, Sergey Yurievich? You have always seemed to me an inquisitive person. I do appreciate you for this.

Vykhuholev. In this case my interest is professional, not personal.

Myshevsky. Really?

Vykhuholev. Let me be frank with you…

Myshevsky. Certainly.

Vykhuholev. Without any terrible consequences for my future?

Myshevsky. Your introduction has intrigued me, really. Try not to disappoint me furthermore!

Vykhuholev. Frankly speaking, Andrey Sigizmundovich, as a psychiatrist, I see your behavior … a little bit strange.

Myshevsky. For how long?

Vykhuholev. Since the time you started dealing with this apartment.

Myshevsky. Why?

Vykhuholev. The apartment is so-so, to be honest. That’s not your level, Andrey Sigizmundovich. It neither can be sold profitably, nor it’s suitable for living. Unless you make a renovation, which will cost much more than the apartment itself, considering that this is an architectural monument. But in spite of all this, you were ready to give a lot of money for it. And when the owner refused to sell it, you came up with such an adventure, that comparing to which, the most sophisticated fantasies of my patients fade. So, what for?

Myshevsky. Get to the point, Sergey Yurievich! Why do you beat around the bush like a male spider in front of a female one during mating?

Vykhuholev. Actually, I don't recognize you. I don’t understand you. And this worries me. As a psychiatrist.

Myshevsky. Do you think, Sergey Yuryevich, that it’s me who should be taken to the madhouse, instead of professor with his spiritualist nonsense?

Vykhuholev. I didn't say that.

Myshevsky. But you meant that. You did mean that, didn’t you?

Vykhuholev. I haven't lost my mind yet.

Myshevsky. No, you will tell me! Or I will strangle you!

Myshevsky comes up to Vykhukholev and grabs him by the throat.

Ogranovich. Do it! Come on! I've been dreaming about this for a long time!

Myshevsky. Tell me!

Vykhuholev. Whatever you want! Just let me go!

Myshevsky. Oh, not now! You asked what I enjoy? Here is my answer!

Vykhuholev. You will kill me! Help! Anyone!

Olga enters.

Olga. What's going on here? Andrey Sigizmundovich! Let him go!

Myshevsky. Do you demand that?

Olga. I beg you! Look, his face has already turned blue!

Myshevsky. Well, if so… I can't refuse when a woman asks me. Go in peace, Sergey Yurievich! And sin no more.

Vykhuholev. Thank you… Oh, my neck! You’ve turned it on the side!

Ogranovich. Lucky you, psychiatrist! You wouldn't get away from me just so easily…

Vykhuholev. But what for?!

Ogranovich. Wipe your nose! You cry like a woman! It serves you well. You’ve exhausted me with your dammed psychoanalysis.

Olga. Stop it, please! Don't you see, he is feeling bad!

Ogranovich. But, don’t you think that I was feeling good from his stupid questions? Let this sniffy impotent go and amuse his libido at some other place!

Myshevsky. Don’t worry, Olga Alekseevna. We were just joking.

Olga. Were you joking?

Myshevsky. Well, yes, we were playing a theatrical impromptu. It’ s a parody of Othello. And what did you think?

Olga. It seemed to me…

Myshevsky. Olga Alekseevna, shame on you! Do I pay you for your fantasies?

Olga. No.

Myshevsky. Right. I hired you to fulfil my orders. Without any improvisation. Is that right?

Olga. Yes.

Myshevsky. Then why are you breaking our agreement?

Olga. Me?!

Ogranovich. That's it, let her tell why she is violating!

Vykhuholev. And I also want to hear that. Or even better to look.

Myshevsky. You both! Go away!

Ogranovich. We would be glad to …

Myshevsky. What are you muttering there?

Vykhuholev. Elena Pavlovna is wondering where and why you have just sent us, Andrey Sigizmundovich!

Myshevsky. Stop messing around! Walk around the rooms and make an inventory description of all the possessions. It’s necessary to know what I'm buying from the professor.

Ogranovich. Should we make a description with the possessions cost evaluation?

Myshevsky. It doesn’t matter. It is important for me to find out if anything from the previous owner has survived. And if so, then it has no price. And for everything else, I won’t give a broken penny.

Vykhuholev. Should we look for something specific?

Myshevsky. I am interested in any thing which was made more than half a century ago. Is there anything else unclear for you?

Vykhuholev. Everything is quite clear.

Myshevsky. Then, go out of my sight! And don't come back without a full description.

Vykhuholev. Can we start from this room?

Myshevsky. This is the room you will end up with.

Ogranovich. Oh, I wish I were ten years younger …

Vykhuholev. Why, Elena Pavlovna?

Ogranovich. Then, psychiatrist, they wouldn't get me out of the room like a mangy dog. And that is just because someone has a fresher face and a tastier buttocks…

Ogranovich and Vykhukholev leave.

Myshevsky. Clowns! However, sometimes they are useful. That's why I tolerate them and put up with their fricking. But you girl! I'm starting to feel like you're useless to me.

Olga. But I have fulfilled all your desires!

Myshevsky. You really think so?

Olga. But why? To begin with, it was me, who persuaded professor to conduct this seance.

Myshevsky. How arrogant of you! But I’ve already heard it today, but from another person. Who of you should I believe?

Olga. He's lying! It was me who has been visiting the professor every day. I’ve been giving him injections, measuring his blood pressure, giving pills. And the main thing is that I’ve been listening to him, admiring him, shamelessly seducing him. Although, I was sick and tired of his flabby ass and abstruse phrases. And when the professor could no longer do without me, I said that I was bored with him. And only then he agreed to hold this session. Just to see me again.

Myshevsky. Well, let's assume that it was like that…

Olga. Exactly like that! And it was me, who installed a remote-controlled voice recorder in the bathroom. And I turned it on, when the session began. Mysterious noises gave some credibility to the whole performance. Even the professor himself believed in the reality of what was happening. You are a genius, Andrey Sigizmundovich! You’ve calculated everything so accurately. You haven’t missed a single detail!

Myshevsky. There are no trifle things in important matters, girl. By the way, where is my voice recorder? Is it still where you hid it?

Olga. After the session, I took it away, so that the professor or his son would not accidentally find it.

Myshevsky. That's what I praise you for! For your foresight.

Olga. And it was also me, who gave the answer of Hermes Trismegistus to the professor during the session. Word by word. All as you told me!

Myshevsky. And that's right.

Olga. Then why do you accuse me of violating the agreement then?

Myshevsky. Haven’t you forgotten anything, girl? When I found you and offered to work for me, I immediately warned you that the matter was really serious. However, I offered a lot in return. The Iguazu Falls.

Olga. Yes, you promised that. Will you keep your word?

Myshevsky. Of course. When the job is done.

Olga. But I thought…

Myshevsky. I am to think here. The others just do. Precisely and with no questions. Everyone but you.

Olga. What have I done wrong?

Myshevsky. You’ve done a little bit more than what I ordered. And this "little bit" can destroy my whole plan.

Olga. I don’t understand what you are talking about!

Myshevsky. I ordered you to seduce the professor. But not to play love with his son. It was too much.

Olga. But I thought it would be better!

Myshevsky. You see, just one tender word that this boy would say in front of everyone … Just one loving glance that he would not be able to hide … And my whole brilliant plan would go to hell! The father, in accordance with the law of nature, would yield you to him. And would disinherit him. He would keep the apartment as compensation for his rejected love. And what will you tell me then? That you “thought” it would be better? I'll grind you to dust then!

Olga. Andre Sigizmundovich, I beg you!

Myshevsky. Be silent! No, I will treat you differently. You will never see the Iguazu Falls. Believe me, in this country one can buy everything. Even your future, girl!

Olga. Forgive me, please!

Myshevsky. Forgive? You?! Are you asking me to be generous by paying for it with my own dream? You know, that I also have a dream. Is it strange for you to hear that?

Olga. No, not at all!

Myshevsky. My dream is no less romantic than yours. Although it may seem very prosaic to you. You need the Iguazu Falls. But I need this very apartment. Do you want to know why?

Olga. If you want it.

Myshevsky. Yes, I want to tell you this. Isn’t a strange desire? Well, anyway… When my father was lying on his deathbed, I swore to him. “Dad, – I said, – your grandchildren will live in their great-grandfather's house”. And after that my father died happily.

Olga. Well, grandchildren, great-grandfather … I'm totally confused!

Myshevsky. Everything is very simple. Once this very apartment used to belong to my grandfather. He died during a period of personality cult at the Stalin’s prison. And do you know, how he got there?

Olga. No, I don’t.

Myshevsky. Oh, this is a very interesting story! My grandfather was a private doctor. He received patients at his home. He treated them in this very apartment, in one of the rooms. One day, a quiet and modest man visited him complaining of terrible pains in his liver. My grandfather had cured him. But in gratitude, he had issued a warrant for his arrest. It turned out that the grandfather's new patient, whom he’d saved life, served at the People’s Commissariate of Internal Affairs.

Olga. Did your grandfather say something that wasn’t politically correct?

Myshevsky. My grandfather understood quite well what kind of time he was living in. He was silent and careful. But there was his apartment… It spoke for itself, being too eloquent.

Olga. Really?

Myshevsky. Shortly after my grandfather had been sent to the camps, new tenants moved in his empty apartment. So, who do you think they were? I can see it in your eyes, that you’ve already guessed. Yes, it was his recent patient with his family. Do you think it’s a coincidence?

Olga. I don’t think so.

Myshevsky. Now you understand it, don't you? That employee of the mighty political department liked his apartment. He arrested its owner and quickly made up a case for high treason. It was espionage or conspiracy, I don't know for sure… It was described by the standard code, article fifty-eight, part four. That article suggested twenty-five years without the right to correspond. It actually meant a death sentence. And the apartment became free. Come on, move in legally!

Olga. But your grandfather had a family, didn’t he?

Myshevsky. Yes, he had got a son and a wife. They were given an hour to get out of the apartment. After all, it belonged to the "people’s enemy"! But before that, they were forced to publicly renounce the husband and father. They had a right not to do it, though. And in that case they would also go to camps. But they renounced. The betrayal of Judas is nothing compared to this betrayal. But that was the only way they managed to survive.

Olga. How scary!

Myshevsky. Are you really scared, girl? Or are these just empty meaningless words?

Olga. Don’t be so cruel! I really feel sorry for your grandfather… and his wife and a son…and you too.

Myshevsky. My dad lived a very long life. When dying, he bequeathed to me not a recipe for the philosopher's stone. I’ve made it up, girl, for our eccentric professor. My dad bequeathed his dream to me. During all his life he had been dreaming to return this ill-fated apartment to our family. And do you know why?

Olga. No, I don’t.

Myshevsky. He thought that he could earn his father's forgiveness by doing so. Forgiveness for having once renounced him, albeit not by his own will. People say, that after the death of a person who has not been inscribed in the church, his soul wanders around the world. If this is true… My grandfather was buried in a common grave. There was no funeral, nor communion. His spirit was supposed to return to a place where he was happy in life. To this very apartment. And now he is somewhere around here. I feel it! I can feel how he is suffering! Girl, you think it’s funny, right?

Olga. No, I swear. I'm not laughing!

Myshevsky. I think so. I think you won't be laughing for a long time. Maybe you'll never laugh again. So, as I will, if my dream doesn't come true. You understood me?

Olga. Yeah…

Myshevsky. Did you understand me well?

Olga. As well, as it gets.

Myshevsky. Good for you. And now you will go and fix everything that you’ve screwed up with your loving character.

Olga. But how?!

Myshevsky. To begin with, you will tell Rodion that you don’t love him and it's all over between you.

Olga. Okay.

Myshevsky. Then you will tell the professor that you are crazily in love with him and you adore his philosophy.

Olga. Good.

Myshevsky. And don't ever regret it! Rodion is a dummy. He has nothing but a handsome face. Another case is his father! Oh, this is a horse you can safely bet on.

Olga. Can I see the Iguazu Falls with him?

Myshevsky. With him you will see the whole world. You will travel until he runs out of money. Those money that I will pay him for the apartment.

Olga. And what then?

Myshevsky. And then… You can get back to his son, if you want.

Olga. But if Rodion does not want to?

Myshevsky. These are your problems, my girl. But I trust you!

Olga. Thank you, Andrey Sgizmundovich. May I go?

Myshevsky. Sure. Oh, wait a second! If I am not mistaken, at this very moment the professor and Rodion are having a lively conversation together.

Olga. Yes, these are their voices. They seem to be arguing.

Myshevsky. There is no need to interfere with relatives to sort things out. Wait outside the door. You can come in, when they're done. And tell Golyshkin, the father, that I want to tell him something very important.

Olga. Yes, unless his own son takes him to the grave first. After all, the professor should not worry now!

Myshevsky. And as it was said: “I did not bring peace to you, but a sword. For I have come to separate a man from his father." Well, girl, go now! And don't look at me with such ungrateful eyes. Indeed, no prophet is accepted in his own country.

Olga. I promise that I will pray for you.

Olga leaves.

Myshevsky. And for me too… It seems that this is what Hamlet asked Ophelia for… just shortly before she committed a suicide. Let's hope that modern girls are more reasonable. And by the way, speaking of ghosts!

He stands up in the middle of the room, listening to something.

Myshevsky. Grandpa, are you here? If you can hear me, answer me! Or give me a sign! This is very important to me.

He walks over to the table, from which neither the alphabet circle nor the saucer has yet been taken away.

Myshevsky. How did the professor say there, calling Hermes Trismegistus? The spirit of my grandfather, Aaron Samuilovich Myshevsky, please appear!

There is a creak of an opening door and Rodion enters the room.

Rodion. And I'm looking for you, Andrey Sigizmundovich! It looks like your rats have gone crazy. They are wandering around the apartment and rearranging the furniture. Dad won't like it, I warn you!

Myshevsky. Listen, guy, haven’t you been taught that you should knock the door before entering?

Rodion. What?

Myshevsky. Oh, well, what am I talking about?! This is your apartment.

Rodion. It’s not mine anymore. My father has just cursed me and told me to get out of the house. He told me: as long as I am alive, your foot is not allowed here! So, what should I do?

Myshevsky. You seem to be accusing me of something?

Rodion. Oh, save me please, Hermes Trismegistus! You said something about a psychiatrist, didn’t you?

Myshevsky. Don’t hurry up. Do you really want to send your own father to a psychiatric hospital, just because you need money?

Rodion. But I really need money. And you know it!

Myshevsky. And what if I tell you where the treasure is buried?

Rodion. Why haven’t you opened it yourself then? Or is it guarded by evil spirits?

Myshevsky. Spirits have nothing to do with it. How do you like Elena Pavlovna? One of those rats that are scurrying around your father's apartment at this very moment? The one in the skirt.

Rodion. The one, that looks more like a man? I've got you.

Myshevsky. Elena Pavlovna is not a poor woman. I know it for sure! She has been working for me for a long time and she is quite rich. But now she is absolutely alone. And frankly speaking, Rodion, this fact is unbearable to her. So, she will generously pay the one who takes the trouble and tries one’s best to brighten up her loneliness.

Rodion. What a bullshit! Do I look like a gigolo?

Myshevsky. We are all a bit of a horse, as one poet said. Didn’t you hear the key word "tries one’s best" in my phrase? It is not a shame to earn money by trying your best. On the contrary, it's embarrassing to be poor.

Rodion. Yeah, it’s too nasty! But what about Olya?

Myshevsky. What about Olya? She's a big girl, she will survive.

Rodion. Well, you are right, but still …

Myshevsky. Besides, Olya loves money too much. And all the things that money can give her. Do you think, Rodion, she would put up with your poverty?

Rodion. Well, if she loves…

Olga enters.

Myshevsky. You can ask her about this, Rodion. And get rid of your doubts… Did you want to tell me something, Olga Alekseevna?

Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich is ready to talk to you, Andrey Sigizmundovich.

Myshevsky. This is very smart of him.

Olga. But he asks for a couple of minutes to put himself in order.

Myshevsky. Oh, those old intellectuals! Well, I don't mind. Meanwhile, I am going to calm my rats down. You are right, Rodion, they got too active… Olga Alekseevna, could you please stay here until I come back. I am sure you won’t be bored.

Myshevsky leaves.

Rodion. Olya!

Olga. What would you like, Rodion Stalverovich?

Rodion. Are you kidding?

Olga. Not at all, Rodion Stalverovich! Laughter is an unaffordable luxury for women like me. This was clearly explained to me.

Rodion. What’s happened to you? Did someone offend you?

Olga. Such woman like me cannot be offended.

Rodion. What kind of woman? You are the most wonderful in the world! No other can be compared to you.

Olga. The most wonderful woman in the world can not be sold for a diamond ring.

Rodion. Holy cow! But it's not true! I didn't buy you.

Olga. Then why are you asking me to pay you back?

Rodion. Not at all! That was a gift. I insisted that you took it! Do you remember?!

Olga. So, then… Thank you for the gift. And for everything else too. And goodbye, Rodion Stalverovich! Don't pursue me with your love. Or whatever you’ve got about me… Some whim of a spoiled boy, a momentary impulsive entertainment…

Rodion. What have they done to you, Olya!

Olga. Who do you mean?

Rodion. Those rats led by Myshevsky, that are roaming around our apartment now.

Olga. What are you talking about, Rodion Stalverovich? I don’t understand!

Rodion. I was blind as a mole. I was looking at everything, but saw nothing. But still I am the son of my father and I can think. It's them! And you are afraid of them for some reason.

Olga. Me? Afraid of them?!

Rodion. Okay, not them, but only one – Myshevsky.

Olga. What nonsense! I don't want to hear that.

Rodion. Then why don't you leave? Well, I'll tell you what the reason: Myshevsky told you to wait for him here. And you have to listen to me because you can't disobey him. I am tormenting you, but you have to endure it. Suffering, but enduring. How could this psycho take such power over you? Tell me Olya!

Olga. Shut up!

Rodion. No, I won’t be silent!

Olga. Then speak up! Whatever you want. After all, you are a man! A real cool guy! It’s nothing for you to hurt a weak woman! Just a trifle!

Rodion. I don't want to hurt you, but save you.

Olga. To save from whom?

Rodion. From Myshevsky. From his rats. From such a life which is like a used condom.

Olga. And how are you going to save me, boy?

Rodion. Let's run away, Olya! You and me together. To the edge of the world where they won't find us. And soon they will forget about our existence. Why would they need us? After all, there is nothing to take from us!

Olga. That's it!

Rodion. What do you mean?

Olga. I mean the Iguazu Falls.

Rodion. But isn't love more important?

Olga. Nothing in life is more important than the Iguazu Falls.

Rodion. I will stop wasting my life and will work like everyone else. And one day…

Olga. I don't need it one day. I'll be too old and ugly by that time. Why do I need the Iguazu Falls then? In mockery?!

Rodion. You just don't love me…

Olga. I can't leave this room, you're right. But you can.

Rodion. Yes I can.

Olga. Then leave. Don't torture me and yourself. It’s all over.

Rodion. You forgot to add “boy”. Say it and I'll leave.

Olga. Boy.

Rodion leaves. Olga falls into a chair and cries silently. Golyshkin enters.

Golyshkin. Olenka! Why are you crying?

Olga. Not at all, Stalver Udarpyatovich.

Golyshkin. Really? Maybe, maybe… Since recent time I haven't been feeling normally. I always hear some voices, some steps… as if my house has been inhabited by ghosts. Do you know what I think about it?

Olga. I have no idea, professor!

Golyshkin. The reason is Hermes Trismegistus.

Olga. Oh, professor!

Golyshkin. Oh, please, don't interrupt me, Olenka! You don’t quite understand whose spirit we have awoken. He was the greatest rebel of all times and peoples, just terrible! In one of his books titled "The Emerald Tablet", written several millennia BC, he wrote: "As above, is so below, as below, is so above, and there is no small and great, but everything is one." Do you feel what satanic pride is hidden in this phrase?

Olga. But does his pride have anything to do with all that?

Golyshkin. I fainted and did not say farewell to him. He got offended by this and decided not to return to the other world until he takes revenge. And now his spirit is wandering around my apartment, absorbing my energy. I am getting weaker, and he is getting stronger hour by hour.

Olga. But if it is so… What should we do then?

Golyshkin. We have to send him back to his world. Otherwise, he will become omnipotent soon, while we will all die, one by one.

Olga. If it is necessary, I agree to another spiritual seance. I think others will also agree.

Golyshkin. There are very few of us. During the time that I was unconscious, Hermes Trismegistus has become too powerful. A hexagram is not enough now to send him back against his will. A combination of hexagram and pentagram is needed, a combination of microcosm and macrocosm, of human and divine. The eleven-pointed star is the ultimate goal of all true magic. This was stated yet by the great Francis Barrett in his book “The Magician”.

Olga. So, do we really have to invite neighbors? Can't we get by with those who are present here?

Golyshkin. A number of eleven is a symbol of the Great Creation. Otherwise, nothing will come out of it.

Olga. Then we need to turn to Myshevsky for help. For the sake of his own life, this person will do the impossible.

Golyshkin. You're right. But still he won't save me. I will die as Hermes Trismegistus wishes.

Olga. Do you really believe some spirit’s prediction? After all, I could make a mistake when writing. A saucer is such an unreliable thing!

Golyshkin. Everything coincides.

Olga. What do you mean? Stop torturing yourself with such silly illusions!

Golyshkin. Do you remember what Hermes Trismegistus said?

Olga. Of course I do! Every word.

Golyshkin. He said: I want the death of the one whose father died when the iron man fell from the top …

Olga. That’s nonsense!

Golyshkin. But not for me. My father, a KGB general Udarpyat Rodionovich Golyshkin, died from a heart attack. He died immediately after the rebellious crowd in Moscow had overthrown the monument to Dzerzhinsky from its pedestal, who was the first Head of the KGB department. Dzerzhinsky used to be his idol. And he couldn’t get over it.

Olga. Do not make yourself an idol…

Golyshkin. So, everything coincides. I will die.

Olga. We are all mortal.

Golyshkin. But Hermes Trismegistus mentioned the date. "Until the Earth is covered with a white shroud." That is, before winter.

Olga. Stalver Udarpyatovich!

Golyshkin. Don't console me, Olya! I have put up with this thought already. Besides, today I have heard such awful things from Rodion, my only son, the meaning of my life… So, I have no reason to live any longer. Nobody needs me. Nobody loves me.

Olga. But what if you're wrong?

Golyshkin. Unfortunately, that’s true!

Olga. But I know for sure that you are wrong.

Golyshkin. Why am I wrong?

Olga. You are wrong thinking that no one loves you.

Golyshkin. How can you prove it?

Olga. I only have my blind female heart. And it tells me that it loves you.

Golyshkin. Olya! I can’t believe it!

Olga. Neither can I. Maybe let’s test my heart on a lie detector? Or will it be enough to kiss me? And if it doesn't beat more often, then it's lying.

Golyshkin. Olya!

Olga. No words needed. Just kiss me. And put your hand on my heart.

Golyshkin kisses Olga. Rodion appears at the door. Having watched them for a while, he leaves. Myshevsky enters.

Myshevsky. Oh, it looks like I'm not in right time!

Olga screams out and runs away.

Golyshkin. Hmm… You see, Mr. Myshevsky…

Myshevsky. My congratulations, professor! You’ve captivated such a woman! I get envy and admire you!

Golyshkin. With your unexpected visit, you’ve embarrassed Olga Alekseevna.

Myshevsky. Please excuse me, if I was impolite.

Golyshkin. It was just an innocent kiss…

Myshevsky. It didn't look so. Anyway, it could be innocent of your part, professor. But in that case, be careful, for you are playing with the innocent girl's feelings!

Golyshkin. Do you really think that Olga Alekseevna has some feelings about me?

Myshevsky. Definitely! She told me that herself.

Golyshkin. Really?

Myshevsky. Poor girl… she is suffering from unrequited love.

Golyshkin. Is she really suffering?

Myshevsky. Sure she is! It seems to her that she is not the right match for you, Stalver Udarpyatovich. After all, you are a famous professor of Philosophy. And she is just a nurse from a district clinic.

Golyshkin. Hmm… What nonsense! Love equalizes everyone.

Myshevsky. So, do you love her, professor?

Golyshkin. Olga Alekseevna is a gift of my destiny by the end of my life. Do you remember how wonderfully a poet expressed it? “Oh, how in our declining years we love with tenderness and bias!… Keep shining farewell light, oh, yes shine on you light of final love of ours!”

Myshevsky. And are you ready to accept this gift?

Golyshkin. Why not?

Myshevsky. Hmm… Just think: how long can Olga Alekseevna survive in your tiny dusty little world? She will die like a free bird in the cage.

Golyshkin. Oh, don't say about death! Do you remember the prediction of Hermes Trismegistus?

Myshevsky. Then what do you have to lose, professor? Just throw everything away and go for a trip around the world together with Olga Alekseevna! This charming woman will turn the sunset of your life into a holiday.

Golyshkin. A trip around the world?!

Myshevsky. Tell me, professor, how much joy have you had in your life?

Golyshkin. Well, that’s true – my life has passed by.

Myshevsky. So make up for everything you've lost! If you have too little time to live, so take this time to enjoy love and get fed up with new experiences. And then death won’t seem to be so scary to you!

Golyshkin. But such life requires money. Much money!

Myshevsky. I will give you the amount you need.

Golyshkin. Just give? What do you mean?

Myshevsky. Of course, I’ll give you. As a mortgage.

Golyshkin. But I have got nothing!

Myshevsky. What about your apartment?

Golyshkin. But where will I live when I return?

Myshevsky. Is it worth now to think about the future? You have at least six months of a carefree life ahead of you.

Golyshkin. Six months will go by quickly. But what if I die not having paid you a debt?

Myshevsky. Do you really care what happens after you die?

Golyshkin. But my son… Rodion… What to do with him?

Myshevsky. With your ungrateful son?

Golyshkin. Okay, he is ungrateful, but he is my son, anyway. I am not to judge him. Let God be his judge!

Myshevsky. Rodion is deeply in debt. He is just waiting for your death to receive his inheritance and waste it.

Golyshkin. That’s not true!

Myshevsky. This is true. And you know this.

Golyshkin. But still he is my son.

Myshevsky. I will take care of his future. I'll give him a job. He will not die of hunger.

Golyshkin. Do you promise?

Myshevsky. I give you my word.

Golyshkin. Then I agree!

Myshevsky. Shall we make a deal?

Golyshkin. Right now?

Myshevsky. There is no need to wait. The notary is in the next room. Besides, Olga Alekseevna will be glad to hear about the coming trip to the Iguazu Falls. Or do you want to ask Hermes Trismegistus for advice?

Golyshkin. Oh, no! I want to forget about him as soon as possible, like a nightmare. By the way, what are you planning to do with his recipe?

Myshevsky. I’d suggest to talk about all that a little later, when you return from your world tour. After that night, the very word "alchemy" gives me superstitious horror.

Golyshkin. By the way, do you know that the great Dante in his immortal "Divine Comedy" placed all alchemists in hell?

Myshevsky. Yes I do, in the eighth circle, in the tenth ditch, next to counterfeiters.

Golyshkin. If it is so, you are not lucky then. Just like me.

Myshevsky. Dante was just a poet, not a prophet… Well, professor, where are the documents for the apartment?

Golyshkin. I’ll bring them here immediately.

Myshevsky. Well, I’ve just come up with a brilliant idea. You don’t need to lose your money by paying a mortgage for the apartment! If you just sell it, you will get much more. If you want to buy it later, I'll sell it back to you.

Golyshkin. But why do you need all these troubles?

Myshevsky. With a small discount. I am a business man and I am not going to miss my profit.

Golyshkin. I hope our agreement on Rodion’s future is still in effect?

Myshevsky. Myshevsky's word is sacred!

Golyshkin. You are a wonderful person, Mr. Myshevsky! Do you know that?

Myshevsky. Thank you, Stalver Udarpyatovich.

Golyshkin leaves. Myshevsky comes up to the table, takes the saucer and throws it on the floor with a swing.

Myshevsky. Go to Hermes Trismegistus and express my gratitude to him! And if you meet the spirit of my grandfather…

Olga runs in.

Myshevsky. What's the matter with you, Olga Alekseevna? You are so excited! Have you just seen the professor in the corridor, and the old chatterbox told you the good news?

Olga. Ro… Ro…

Myshevsky. Do you want to thank me and can't find the words? Just say: I am grateful to you!

Olga. Rodion!

Myshevsky. What about Rodion? What else has he done there, this obnoxious guy? Has he really tried to rape you in order to feel some self esteem?

Olga. Rodion… He has committed suicide!

Myshevsky. Are you crazy? Where is he?

Olga. In his room. He’s … hung himself on a chandelier hook.

Myshevsky. Why did you go to his room?

Olga. I… I came in, and he… he was staring at me, as if condemning … And his eyes were dead. And there was a noose around his neck!

Myshevsky. Stop your hysterics, please!

Myshevsky slaps Olga’s cheek, she falls into a chair and sobs, covering her face with hands.

Myshevsky. And the fathers’ sins will fall on the sons’ heads up to the fourth generation… Fool! What a fool I am! Haven’t foreseen! Haven’t thought of it! What to do now? Come on, think faster, Myshevsky! Everything is hanging by a thread. Silly boy!

Olga. And you… Where were you?

Myshevsky. What?

Olga. I am asking where were you before you came into this room and saw us with the professor?

Myshevsky. What are you talking about?

Olga. Why don’t you answer?

Myshevsky. I was… But why do you care where I was? Don't you really think?!..

Olga. I can't think of anything. My thoughts are completely confused as if the wind is blowing in my head. And it is howling sadly: “Whoo! Whoo!" It’s so scary!

Myshevsky. It would be better if this wind blew all bad thoughts out of your head. I have nothing to do with the death of this boy. His suicide was not part of my plans.

Olga. Is that true?

Myshevsky. Stupid girl! His death does not benefit me at all! It can ruin all my plans.

Olga. Now I believe you.

Myshevsky. Thanks a lot!

Olga. But what are we to do now?

Myshevsky. We?! How quickly you’ve come to your senses, girl!

Olga. Let the past bury its dead. Some character of your favorite book seems to be saying that, right?

Myshevsky. Well, I really underestimated you… Perhaps, this was my main mistake.

Olga. But you will correct it, won’t you?

Myshevsky. I promise.

Olga. Then promise me one more thing.

Myshevsky. And what?

Olga. When I leave the professor… And I will leave him as soon as he runs out of money. It will be very soon, I assure you … Will you involve me in your business, get closer to you then? Will you take me to your team?

Myshevsky. I swear. Myshevsky's word!

Olga. In that case… You can rely on me for everything.

Myshevsky. Fine. Then listen to me carefully: so far nobody must know about Rodion's suicide.

Olga. Nobody?

Myshevsky. Why take the risk? Elena Pavlovna's hands will start trembling then. Meanwhile, all contracts must be signed by a notary with a firm confident hand. And the psychiatrist has quite enough of his own suicide cases. Why add one more? His cup might overflow then.

Olga. You are right, as always.

Myshevsky. Now the professor is going to bring the documents for the apartment. We will quickly draw up a deal. And finally wash our hands.

Olga. And what will happen to the professor, when he remains alone and sees … a son in a noose?

Myshevsky. He will suffer a little, of course. It’s quite obvious. But suffering, as you know, just makes a human soul more pristine. And then you will come back and comfort him and console him, so that he would forget about everything, even the real world where he lives.

Olga. Then we will go on a trip together with him! New experiences are the best way to get rid of the ghosts of the past.

Myshevsky. You’ve got it absolutely right, girl. So, look forward to seeing the Iguazu Falls!

Olga. As well as the whole world! I won't agree to anything less!

Vykhuholev and Ogranovich enter

Ogranovich. Oh, what a hard work, I tell you, Andrey Sigismundovich! I'm totally exhausted. After all, I'm not a young girl anymore for not sleeping at night.

Myshevsky. Did you manage to find anything?

Ogranovich. A few things might get your interest. Some paintings, antique furniture, which is over a hundred years old, antique clock in the hallway, some books…

Vykhuholev. In my opinion, the books are especially interesting. Why on Earth did our philosopher need the old medical manuals and encyclopedias on medicine? They obviously belonged to the previous owner. But he didn’t want to throw them away. There are such chic leather covers, decorated with gold. Each book is a real treasure by today's standards!

Myshevsky. That’s it! It’s quite obvious.

Ogranovich. By the way, what is obvious?

Myshevsky. That punishment is inevitable. But for this, a person sometimes has to take a role of the God. And this is not for everyone. Otherwise, there would be nothing happening in the world that could please Satan.

Ogranovich. Oh, I beg you! First, there was our professor with his boring philosophy, now you are talking about the same boring things!

Vykhuholev. Don't even try to understand his words, Elena Pavlovna. You’d better take my example: I usually listen to my patients, but don't really understand them. I think that's the only reason why I haven’t gone crazy yet.

Ogranovich. But what if one of them says something really smart?

Vykhuholev. Oh, no, my friend! After all, they are insane.

Ogranovich. But what if there is someone who isn’t insane?

Vykhuholev. For as long as I've lived, I've never met anyone like that. Even outside the psychiatric clinic. Do you know why I love chess? The chess pieces are always silent!

Golyshkin enters holding a paper folder in his hands.

Golyshkin. My friends! How I am glad to see you! We are all together again. And that's great!

Ogranovich. And where is … Oh, my foot hurts me!

Olga. I am sorry, Elena Pavlovna! I'm so awkward. You probably wanted to ask Stalver Udarpyatovich where our things are? The ones he took from us before the session. Oh, and my diamond ring! Where is it?

Golyshkin. Everything is here in the top drawer. Nothing is missing, Olenka, don’t worry. The spirit of Hermes Trismegistus did not want to steal your treasures. Come on, friends, take your things! And whose watch is this? Oh, that’s Rodion’s!

Olga. I forgot to tell you: Rodion asked me to tell you that he needed some time to come down his thoughts, to breathe in some fresh air. So, he left, but promised to return soon.

Golyshkin. Did he say so? Well, it's wonderful! You know, Olenka, my son is a very smart and kind boy. He will come to his senses and realize that he was wrong. He will forgive his old father and I will forgive him. And everything will be fine between us again! Am I right, Mr. Myshevsky?

Myshevsky. Sure professor, everything will be so!

Golyshkin. I'm sure of it. It just can not be any other way. Because today is such a great day for me! Maybe the happiest day in my life. I am with my true friends. The woman I love is next to me. I have many bright joyful days ahead, full of love and happiness… Dear friends! Maybe let’s have some champagne?

Myshevsky. Professor, I suggest you to sign the agreement first. And then let’s celebrate this event with champagne.

Golyshkin. Of course! Oh, forgive me, the old man! But I'm so happy that I can't think of anything. I feel, as if my spirit is soaring in the skies, looking at the sinful earth with a smile from above.

Myshevsky. Professor, please hand over the documents for the apartment to the notary. Elena Pavlovna, please start making the agreement!

Ogranovich takes a folder from Golyshkin and sitting down at the table, starts to sort out the documents. Vykhuholev plays chess in the room corner. Myshevsky approaches Olga, pointing at Golyshkin, who sits down in the armchair getting deeply into his thoughts.

Myshevsky. Don't leave him alone! That might be dangerous.

Olga. Okay… Stalver Udarpyatovich!

Golyshkin. Oh, Olenka! Why are you so official? Call me simply Stalver. Or, as my mom used to call me – Stalik.

Olga. Well, let it be Stalver so far… Stalik is a little early, don't you think?

Golyshkin. Sure, you're quite right. I'm completely lost in these buzzy events. I'm sorry! You must be annoyed that your boyfriend is such a silly guy…

Olga. Not at all, Stalver! I really admire you.

Golyshkin. Really? Listen, Olenka…

Olga. What?

Golyshkin. You will never leave the old man who is in love with you won’t you?

Olga. No I won’t, until the death separates us. Or other farce-major circumstances.

Golyshkin. And I swear – you won’t regret that you have devoted your life to me. Do you have a dream? I will fulfill it!

Olga. I used to have a dream.

Golyshkin. You used to have… why?

Olga. It has come true – we are together now!

Vykhuholev. Oh, if so, Olga Alekseevna, you are a deeply unhappy person.

Olga. And why is that?

Vykhuholev. A person is happy only as long as he is striving for his dream. Having reached the goal, he gets disappointed. He realizes that the goal isn’t worthwhile. I am a good example of it.

Myshevsky. It is interesting! What do psychiatrists dream of, wandering in the darkness of other people's souls?

Vykhuholev. I dream of winning a game of chess versus myself.

Myshevsky. But this’s impossible!

Vykhuholev. Therefore, I will never be disappointed. Unlike you, Andrey Sigizmundovich.

Myshevsky. Why is that?

Vykhuholev. Let’s assume that Hermes Trismegistus has revealed his secret to you. And the philosopher's stone is now in your pocket. How are you going to live on? To make more and more gold? But you’ve never been a poor person, even before that.,. And it’s so boring to wither over gold like a miser! No, you were really happy before, but just didn’t realized it.

Myshevsky. You are at your wits end, Sergey Pavlovich! You need to change your job. The sooner, the better.

Vykhuholev. Oh, now you got offended. Everyone gets offended when you tell them the truth. That’s why I prefer to keep silent.

Olga. So, if one day I see the Iguazu Falls, I…

Vykhuholev. You would get disappointed. The real waterfalls would be quite different, much less delightful as the ones in your dreams.

Myshevsky. Shut up, you, a gloomy person, the destroyer of illusions! Don't ruin our holiday, please! Elena Pavlovna, hurry up, please!

Ogranovich. I’ve got everything ready. We have just to sign it.

Myshevsky. Stalver Udarpyatovich, you are the first, please!

Olga. Stalver, go ahead!

Golyshkin. Olya! Won't you leave me?

Olga. Before the Iguazu Falls? Never!

Golyshkin. Then I discard the last doubts and put my signature here.

Golyshkin comes up to the table and signs the documents.

Ogranovich. Right here, Mr. Golyshkin. And here … Mr. Myshevsky, now it’s your turn!

Myshevsky. Sure!

Ogranovich. Now you have just to pay off.

Myshevsky. Stalver Udarpyatovich, will you take the check? In a couple of hours, when the bank opens, you can exchange it for cash. Do you trust me?

Golyshkin. Of course, Mr. Myshevsky. But can I ask you for a favor? Can't you sign out two checks? I have to give half of the total sum to my son and heir, Rodion. So the law says, if not human one, then divine.

Myshevsky. No problem! Here's a check in your name. And here is the one for Rodion Stalverovich Golyshkin. Is that right? Here you are!

Golyshkin. Thank you!

Ogranovich. My congratulations, Andrey Sigizmundovich! Wouldn't it be nice to celebrate a long-awaited deal?

Myshevsky. Champagne! Professor, didn’t you say that you have a bottle of champagne somewhere?

Golyshkin. The best champagne in the world. "Soviet"! Olenka, could you please get the glasses! They are in the cupboard.

Olga. How I love champagne! Its bubbles tickle in the nose so funny!

Ogranovich. I would prefer some cognac … Well, okay! Champagne will also do! Hey, psychiatrist, join us! Or do you drink only alone the same way, as you play chess?

Vykhuholev. I drink like everyone else. Chess is just for my soul.

Myshevsky. Professor, your toast please!

Golyshkin. To you, my friends! To our meeting! To our friendship! Let it be eternal!

Myshevsky. Stalver Udarpyatovich, you are a skilled speaker! Great toast! Olga Alekseevna, would you kiss the professor on our behalf? Nobody will disapprove you.

Everyone drinks champagne.

Olga. Look, it's dawn already! And we didn't notice.

Myshevsky. Professor, I'm sorry, but we have to go. New day, new worries.

Golyshkin. Okay, okay, I understand. And I mustn’t delay you any longer… Olenka! Are you leaving too?

Olga. I need to sleep well and wash up. Just look at me! What a face! How can you love such a woman?

Golyshkin. I don't notice it. You're so beautiful!

Olga. I'll be back tonight. And don’t forget, I've not got used to having dinner at home. We're going to a restaurant!

Golyshkin. And we will discuss everything about our future there, right?

Olga. Of course! Don't forget to cash the check in the afternoon. Actually, you’d better give it to me. It would be safer. We will go to the bank together. I am afraid, they might cheat you. Or you might mix everything up. After all, you are my philosopher! You don’t live in a real world. But I am an earthly woman. Aren’t you afraid of that?

Golyshkin. I am happy of that.

Olga. See you tonight then!

Golyshkin. See you, Olenka! See you, friends! I look forward to seeing you all any day and any time at my home… Oh, sorry, now this is your home, Mr. Myshevsky. When should I leave?

Myshevsky. I'm not rushing you, professor. Is a month enough for you? I think this time is enough to get visa and collect things for a trip. Nothing keeps you in this country any more. From now on you will be a citizen of the world, Stalver Udarpyatovich. How I envy you!

Golyshkin. Really?

Myshevsky. You have my word! Farewell, professor!

Ogranovich. All the best, lucky one!

Vykhuholev. See you soon! I think our next meeting is inevitable.

Golyshkin. Goodbye, friends! Olenka, I don’t say goodbye to you, see you tonight!

Everyone leaves. Golyshkin slowly walks around the apartment, looking into the rooms and turning off the lights. Finally, the lights go out everywhere. In the darkness, the creak of the last door is heard. And a moment later, a piercing scream is heard: “Damn you, Hermes Trismegistus!” And the next moment an old clock starts beating in the hallway. In the darkness it sounds solemn and even terrifying, like the Commander’s footsteps.